Humor Me

I'm sure at some point I will fully understand the importance of nanotechnology. But for now, I just don't see the point in making a soccer field so small that 20,000 of the fields can fit onto a human hair.

But a German scientist has done it. Actually, it was a while ago, so maybe he already lost his creation in a pants pocket.

The field can only be seen through a special microscope. You’ll also need the special microscope to see the nano-sized soccer fans riot after the game.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

We all know that product placement is a big part of television, especially on reality shows such as American Idol, The Amazing Race and Survivor.

I came across a really funny parody video of Survivor producers interviewing competitor Jerri Manthey and forcing her to say things about products. Manthey was on the show’s Australian Outback edition with fellow competitor Colby Davidson, one of a bazillion Texas natives who have been on reality shows.

The videos are spoofs, so they weren’t actually shot during Survivor filming. They are, however, hilarious. Check them out here.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

According to the retailers of this must-see product, you can “worship at every meal.”

Not sure it's in good taste, however. But here's the real question about JesusPan:

How long until somebody cooks a grilled cheese with this and puts it up for bid on eBay?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Twenty years ago this week, Brooke Shields graduated from Princeton with honors with a major in romance languages. "It's the greatest honor since I made a cameo in The Muppets take Manhattan," she said.

OK, she didn't say that. But she did graduate from Princeton, helping change the image of young Hollywood stars as unintelligent and irresponsible. She paved the way for future stars such as Britney Spears and Linsday Lohan, who ...

Well, hopefully things will get better for them. Now that Lohan has been arrested again, it makes me think of this quote from a blog last month:

"It's so weird that I went to rehab," Lohan said. "I always said I would die before I went to rehab."

Hope it doesn't come to that.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The whiz-kid spellers begin competition at the National Spelling Bee today, and the televised finals are tomorrow.

How many people will actually tune in to see the riveting excitement of do-or-die spelling?

Hmm ... that's a tough call. But I think the ratings could be as boffo as American Idol if the National Spelling Bee made a few subtle changes:

Welcome to America's Spelling Idol! I'm Ryan Seacrest, America's No. 1 punchline. Now stepping to the microphone is our next contestant, who must spell this word:

"Argillaceous."

SPELLER: May I have the definition, please?

SIMON COWELL: (with totally affected English accent) My gaaaawd ... You're off to a dreadful start. Just begin.

SPELLER: A-R-G-I-L-L-A-C-O-U-S

SIMON COWELL: (throwing down a pencil and sighing) That ... was ... hideous. Positively aaaawful. Your ignorance of the letter "E" inflames the bile in my soul like every breath Paula takes. You and Dan Quayle together couldn't correctly spell "potato."

PAULA ABDUL: (brushing back her hair to show a dazed look on her face): This might not have been your best performance, but you've got a great style, and I liked the way you started with the letter A. I vote "yes."

RANDY JACKSON: (leaning back in his chair) Uh, we're not voting on this show, Paula ... Oh dawg, this just wasn't your night. Come on, how could you misspell argillaceous? Don't you know that the Latin suffix "aceous" is often used in adjectives corresponding to classification names?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Father's Day is approaching, so it's a good time to remember the importance of dads as role models. Take, for example, the man in Kentucky who showed his son, allegedly, how to be an idiot.

The worst kind of idiot. The kind that hurts other people.

According to a story in the Lexington Herald-Leader, a man and his 14-year-old son were charged with assault after they hurt another teenager in an argument over -- yes, you guessed it -- birthday balloons.

The potential Father of the Year allegedly hit the teenager in the head with a piece of pipe. And then ...

The man's son, whose name was not released, picked up a baseball bat and began to hit the teenager as well.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

You might think so, however, if you see video of the annual Gloucester Cheese Roll. This is the event where people roll down a hill as they chase for a wheel of cheese.

This year's event was Monday, but here is some video of it from last year. Couple of great notes to point out:

*The reporter mentions that, in the past, there have been some problems with drunken behavior in the crowd. Really? Who would've guessed that?

*The reporter mentions that the event had "meticulous organization." Exactly what level of organization is needed for having people chase a wheel of cheese down a hill?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 2:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey Teletubbies -- and especially you, Tinky Winky -- don't think that because the Rev. Jerry Falwell has passed away that you get a free pass on this whole promoting homosexuals thing.

Now you've got an entire country after you. Well, kind of.

Poland's conservative government took its drive to curb what it sees as homosexual propaganda to the small screen on Monday, taking aim at Tinky Winky and the other Teletubbies.

I wonder if the Ambiguously Gay Duo is a big hit in Poland?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This just in from Canada:

"New poll reveals Canadian parents believe teaching their kids to swim is the best way to prevent drowning"

In related news, Canadian parents believe teaching kids to drive will prevent car accidents.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Mount Everest is a nice climb and all, but just because some people have died trying to climb its peak doesn't mean it should be called "difficult."

Not according to one guy, who has found a way to make it more difficult. Or maybe it's easier for him without all that restrictive clothing.

His half-naked attempt sounds half-baked.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The National Spelling Bee is this week and it's being shown in prime time on ABC. That's a good sign that the TV sweeps period is over, but I think I'll watch some of it.

After all, it's great to see kids who dedicate themselves tirelessly to a goal achieve their dreams. Also, one of them might faint, and that's good TV.

It's also the topic of this week's column.

Thanks again to everyone who signed up for the free Humor Me newsletter last week. If you would like to sign up, there's a link at the top of this page and at the bottom of each of the columns. Humor Me is in the Entertainment category.

Have a great week.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:54 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Sadly, the purple spatula photo has made it into another blog.

Why?

Because it's the Humor Me indicator of spatula violence. And yes, there is more to report.

This time, a woman attacked a person at a restaurant because the grill was turned off and sub sandwiches were not being served.

She also threw a tub of spaghetti and pizza sauce, followed by lettuce and mushrooms (possibly trying to make a sub?). Then she hit the clerk on the head with a metal spatula.

And, apparently, she's happy about it. Check out the mug shot.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 2:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Just in case you ever wondered about this ...

"Young adults who binge drink frequently are more likely to show disadvantageous decision-making patterns than their peers who don't drink as heavily, a new study shows."

If these results are stunning to you, you've had too much to drink. And avoid anyone who works for "Girls Gone Wild."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. We've all seen those commercials.

Now we know why some of those people won't talk about what happened while they were there:

Perfectly fit tourists are now renting mobility scooters because they don't want to walk along the Strip.

"It was all the walking," 27-year-old Simon Lezama said on his red Merits Pioneer 3. Lezama, a trim and fit-looking restaurant manager from Odessa, Texas, rented it on day three of his five-day vacation, "and now I can drink and drive, be responsible and save my feet."

Coming soon to YouTube ... a drunk scooter driver toppling over on the way to the Excalibur buffet.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Yahoo! just came out with its top 20 misspelled searches, and I think it says a lot about the world.

Three of the top 20 are former American Idol contestants -- Katharine McPhee, Elliott Yamin and Jordin Sparks. Britney Spears is on the list twice, as "Britany" and "Brittney."

And No. 1 ...

Wal-Mart, which is often spelled as Wallmart in searches.

So what does this say about the world?

"Sex" is easy to spell.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm at the repair shop, waiting for my car to be fixed. There is one television in the waiting room, no remote, and several people watching the same show:

Green Acres.

Nobody seems willing to ask the others if the channel can be changed, but nobody seems to be enjoying the show, either. But I love it!

A great example of tremendous 1960s television. Eddie Albert, working on a farm, driving a tractor while wearing a suit. ... Now he's shoveling hay while wearing a dress shirt, vest and tie.

It's almost as great as the commercial I just saw for "Tater Mitts."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The Osmonds will reunite this summer for a TV special celebrating a half-century of unhumanly white teeth. The Osmond siblings -- Alan, Wayne, Merrill, Jay, Jimmy, Donny, Marie, Sneezy and Doc -- are scheduled to take the stage at The Orleans Hotel in Las Vegas.

"At first it was just a tribute to my brothers, but it came together as a celebration of everybody," said Jimmy Osmond, producer of the special. "It's out of control."

Out of control. Isn't that how the Osmonds have always been described?

I think Ozzy will be opening for them.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"For many baseball fans, rooting for that special team was a lifelong commitment. That is the inspiration behind Eternal Image’s extraordinary line of urns and caskets, each individually reflecting one of the 30 Major League Baseball teams."

Nope, it's not from a Saturday Night Live sketch.

Also available:

Major League Baseball caskets.

Perfect for people who want to stay in the pennant race for eternity.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A man in Arkansas has been charged with drunk driving after falling asleep in a McDonald's drive-through.

This had to be great for the employees:

"Restaurant employees called police about 12:30 a.m. Saturday after waiting 15 minutes for Forte to drive from the first window to the second window in the drive-through."

Sir, please drive through. SIR, PLEASE PULL FORWARD! HELLO ... SIR?

The man's blood alcohol level was registered at 0.19, more than twice the legal limit. It was also his third drunk-driving charge, so there's a good chance his punishment will be supersized.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If you get a phone call asking you to go to the police station to identify your underwear, it might not be a prank.

Especially if you've spent time in Fort Collins, Colo., where police have recovered more than 1,300 undergarments stolen by some nutball.

Important note: Police say if you identify the underwear, you cannot yet reclaim it because it's evidence.

More important note: Would anyone want to reclaim it?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I talked to some friends in Glendale, Ariz., and they report that there has been no violence, looting or out-of-control celebrating in the wake of Jordin Sparks' victory on American Idol last night.

Good to hear, because Sparks and I share the same hometown. That's right, we're both from Glendale, a suburb of Phoenix that's a lot like the state capitol, but with more 7-Elevens and tattoo parlors.

OK, that's not exactly true. Glendale is actually a very diverse city that features lots of attractions, including retirees driving slowly in the left lane and a dazzling array of outlet malls.

It will always be home to me, since I spent the first 18 years of my life there and my parents still live there. And it's good to know that I now have something in common with this year's Idol winner. Two things, actually, because I have a lovely singing voice.

Hey J-Sparks, way to bring it home to Glendale!

(I promise not to call you that anymore.)

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If you're part of carpool, pay attention to this story:

The brawl started in the vehicle as the two men were on Highway 3132 heading to a job, Shreveport police Detective Rod Demery said. The passenger told the driver to stop because he wanted a honey bun, but that didn't happen quickly enough.

Sugar Rage strikes again.

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Have you ever read the employee handbook given to you on your first day at work? OK, in some cases, maybe it's an employee pamphlet. Or just a sign on the wall that says "All employees must wash hands after using the bathroom."

Well, I've kind of "breezed" through mine, much like my required reading in high school English class. I didn't notice anything strange, but maybe I should go back and look.

Maybe we should all look closely, as this story points out:

"A staff handbook attached to an AWA for Lilac City Motor Inn in Goulburn says it is unacceptable for staff to run their fingers through their hair, yawn, or pull at a bra strap while on duty."

They can even be fired for it.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The current most popular stories on DallasNews.com:

*Man killed in freak motorcycle accident
*Golfer killed after cart plunges from cliff

Geez, kind of a morbid collection. So let's head to the "happiest place on Earth" -- Disneyland -- to lift our spirits a little.

Oh wait. What is that teenage boy doing at the Magic Kingdom? Is he attacking people and spitting on them?

Quick, get the Taser guns!

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Here's something fun to get your hump day -- no snickering -- started. The Web site Innocent English has some funny signs with bad English translations like the one at right that says, "To take notice of safe, the slippery are very crafty."

Some of the other signs:

"For restrooms, go back toward your behind."

and from a menu ...

"Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream."

My favorite menu item:

"sliced children with broccoli."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As we finish up the big blockbuster, cliffhanger events of the television season, the networks are already looking ahead to the fall. And if you want an example of a really, really bad idea for a show, look no further than Cavemen.

Sure, the Geico commercials are pretty funny. But seeing three of four of those 30-second spots a year is probably enough. When you're talking about 18 or 20 30-minute episodes, well ...

Horrible. Beyond horrible. Maybe even worse than Baby Bob.

Before seeing an episode, I know this. But I found a clip from the pilot, and please tell me if you agree.

This might be the worst TV show of all time.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 2:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Researchers in Argentina recently shifted the light-dark cycle of hamsters six hours forward by switching on lights six hours earlier than usual. The reason:

They were bored.

No, actually there was a serious reason. It was so the researchers could inject the hamsters with Viagra.

Wait. Now it really sounds like a prank.

But here's the serious finding. It appears Viagra can be used by people to help recover from jetlag, meaning it now has multiple uses for members of the Mile High Club.

You can read more here. But first, ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for de-jetlagging activity. And if your feelings of de-jetlagging continue for more than four hours, seek medical attention.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

As we all remember, Paula Abdul has never been drunk. I bring that up because, before anyone jumps to any conclusions, she was NOT drunk when she fell and her broke her nose over the weekend.

She was trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua, according to her publicist. Abdul is recovering and will appear on American Idol tonight and tomorrow. Maybe even next year, too, if she continues to never be drunk.

"She's a little sore, but is doing fine," the publicist said.

The dog was unhurt. Fortunately for Abdul, the dog will not be releasing a statement.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Donald Trump released a statement to Reuters on Monday saying he is done with the show The Apprentice. This might actually be news if NBC hadn't already decided not to put the show on its fall schedule.

It's so like Mr. Ego to do this. Trump announces he is quitting after NBC used his trademark "You're fired!" on him. He should be happy that the show lasted as long as it did, but instead, he can't accept any kind of defeat.

After averaging more than 20 million viewers in its first season, the latest drew only 7.5 million per week. Mr. Trump, just be happy that the show lasted so long and realize that all good things must come to an end. (Bad things, in the case of that horse-tail hairdo, continue indefinitely.)

Trump said in his statement that he has another "major new TV venture" planned. My guess it's another publicity stunt involving professional wrestling.

That's about where Trump's at right now, at least as an entertainment figure.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I rarely like to admit that a dog might be smarter than mine, but here's a good candidate. When the ball goes in the pool ...

It's time to show off.

In related news, one of my dogs continues to bark at the front door when the phone rings.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 3:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A Reader's Digest Most Trusted Poll ranks the most trusted Australians.

1. Burn specialist Dr. Fiona Wood
2. Ian Frazer, the creator of the cervical cancer vaccine

And No. 3 is ...

Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

According to this Web site, Kelly Clarkson "was so depressed after a show on her last U.S. tour she cancelled a planned meet and greet with fans and instead locked herself in a bathroom and wrote about her feelings."

Good thinking, Kelly C. It's always good to have a cathartic moment once in a while. And it turned out to be productive, because she wrote a song called "Irvine."

The song is about a bad breakup, and because it was written inside a bathroom stall -- perhaps even on toilet paper -- maybe it will have this line:

Your love I will flush away,
and bring back a sunny day,
Now I'm done with your lies and your harmin',
and you won't be squeezing my Charmin

Call me, Kelly. I've got other potential career disasters to offer.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

If you're planning a trip to Durango, Colo., stay away from the woman who was mentioned in this police log printed in the Durango Herald:

11:08 a.m. A man on Westwood Place said his girlfriend was beating a miniature Chihuahua with a spatula.

Interesting that the man called police and didn't attempt to stop the spatula attack. Makes me think she has attacked him with the spatula before.

Coming soon to a legislature near you: spatula licensing to combat spatula violence.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If anyone has had to record a voice mail greeting for a boss, you have my sympathy. That was probably not a good working environment.

The third-person voice mail greeting is usually a sign of that. It's also the topic of today's column.

Thanks again to everyone who signed up for the free Humor Me newsletter last week. If you would like to sign up, there's a link at the top of this page and at the bottom of each of the columns. Humor Me is in the Entertainment category.

Have a great week.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Marilyn Manson was "completely destroyed" by his divorce, he said in an interview in Spin magazine. So destroyed that the bizarre 38-year-old is now doing something quite normal in the celebrity world:

He's dating someone half his age.

I guess his 19-year-old girlfriend will help him no longer feel naked, like "a featherless bird." It sounds like he's getting back to his old self. Here's the title of his CD to be released next month:

Eat Me, Drink Me.

Maybe it will include a napkin.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 2:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

As many of you know, I am a huge supporter of Paris Hilton. I feel she's misunderstood, very insecure, and that she's actually accomplished a lot for a person who is only marginally smarter than a box of rocks.

So I think it's OK that her jail sentence got knocked down from 45 days to 23 and that she'll be separated from the general inmate population. Of course, if Paris doesn't behave well, she'll have to serve the entire sentence.

My favorite part is this statement from Paris' mom, Kathy Hilton, which was read on The View:

"Hopefully, young people who look up to people like Paris will learn from this," she said.

Yeah ... like NOT to look up to people like Paris.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Uh-oh, here it comes, important lawmaker types in Danville, Ken.

I hear the familiar guitar riff. And here comes that rebellious attitude determined to break down societal norms. If you have an abandoned factory in town, you might want to check to see if somebody is doing gymnastic moves on a high bar as part of a peppy dance routine.

What's your next plan, leaders in Danville? Are you going to ban people from even watching Footloose?

Kevin Bacon is monitoring the situation and preparing to put on his dancing shoes.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:43 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

China has staged the first underwater golf tournament. What is the point?

I guess to show the world that China is at the forefront of innovation. Or maybe there isn't enough land for golf courses to serve a billion people.

Whatever the reason, I don't think this is going to catch on.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I was just reading a story about passengers getting stranded on airplanes, and I saw some info that I hadn't seen before. It pertains to the passengers on an American Airlines flight that sat on a ramp for 10 hours in Midland last month.

The plane had about 180 passengers, and as time went by, snacks and water ran out. Now here's the funny, yet sad, part of it. Really sad for anyone who has ever shared a pizza and missed out on the last slice.

From the New York Times story:

"Passengers on the flight say they will always remember the pizza. After about five hours, a flight attendant announced that 'an American executive' had ordered pizzas to be delivered from the airport. Five boxes arrived."

FIVE PIZZAS FOR 180 PEOPLE?

Back to the story:

"Flight attendants, who, according to one passenger, had been 'missing in action most of the time,' cut the slices into tiny pieces — 70 in all. Flight attendants said that only those who 'really needed it' should take one."

Ten hours and one sliver of a slice of pizza. I'm surprised there wasn't a riot over a pepperoni.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I've often heard the slogan "You can't win if you don't play" used for state lotteries. But given what's happening in Ocala, Fla., there should be a new slogan:

"You can't win if we screw up."

Apparently, a winning ticket worth $500,000 turns out to be worth nothing. It was a misprint, the Florida lottery said, so we're not paying.

Five hundred thousand to zero in the matter of minutes. That's more painful than seeing those people who scratch off fake lottery tickets in half the episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Yesterday I saw an advertisement for HBO from 20 years ago. Here's what HBO was hyping in 1987:

MOVIES
Sylvester Stallone in Cobra
Back to School
The Karate Kid, Part II
Poltergeist II: The Other Side
Aliens
JoJo Dancer

SPECIAL EVENTS
Wimbledon (tape-delayed)
Cyndi Lauper's concert in Paris

A little bit stronger programming these days, huh?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:35 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The 2008 edition of The Guinness Book of World Records is in the works, and it will include a new record in the ultra-competitive event of furniture racing.

That's because a guy from the U.K. was recently clocked at 92 mph on a motorized sofa.

"It was terrifying," the guy said after the ride. "You feel every bump and it seems like you might take off."

You can see the video here. But before you try this at home, you should know that putting an engine in your couch voids the manufacturer's warranty on stains.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Fruit flies might have free will, according to a new study. So what does this mean?

Well, for one thing, it's another reason why I didn't go into a scientific field. Because, according to scientists, these findings could lead to more advanced robots.

Huh?

Programming robots with aspects of free will "may lead to more realistic and probably even more efficient behavior, which could be decisive in truly autonomous robots needed for planetary exploration," according to one neurobiologist.

What that means to me ...

The robots are one step closer to taking over.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 2:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Sign of a good job:

When you can give yourself a raise.

"Nearly two dozen officials who received hefty performance bonuses last year at the Veterans Affairs Department also sat on the boards charged with recommending the payments."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If you get a big payday from the lottery, you probably want to share your joy. But make sure you share that joy with the right people.

For example, you might not want to tell people who want to rob you.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

There are many ways to warn kids about the dangers of drugs. One way that I don't recommend is to have them read this book:

Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say "No" to Drugs

I'm not sure why she's a naughty horse, but the book includes illustrations of horses drinking and smoking.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

According to a survey released today, Miami has the most road rage in the country. That's the second year in a row. Congrats to Miami for maintaining its standard of turning driving into an angry game of bumper cars.

As for Dallas, well ...

"The most courteous drivers can be found in Portland, Ore.; Pittsburgh; the Seattle-Tacoma area; St. Louis; and Dallas-Fort Worth, the survey found."

So no more complaining about road rage, everyone. And get out of my way.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 2:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Maxim magazine has named Lindsay Lohan No. 1 on its eighth annual "Hot 100" list. How does the magazine come up with the list?

My guess is over pizza and beer. But the mag's editor did offer this:

"There is no other star in the world (who) causes more of a stir in the public eye than Lindsay. Her every move is watched and reported on."

My favorite part of the list is that Ashley Olsen, half of the skinniest twin tandem in the world, is No. 37. Her twin sister, Mary Kate, isn't even on the list.

That's amazing, because I don't even know which one is Ashley and which one is Mary Kate.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Happy to see Dirk Nowitzki receive the NBA Most Valuable Player award a few minutes ago. Sure, he couldn't get the Mavs past the Warriors in the playoffs, but he had an incredible regular season.

And Dirk seems to be a pretty nice guy, so when somebody with good character wins it, it's a good thing. Tough ending for Mavs fans this year, but wasn't it nice to see Dirk hoist the MVP trophy?

At least until the Warriors' Baron Davis ran by Dirk and stole it, and then limped away, holding his hamstring before launching a one-footed shot that sent the trophy into a basket 50 feet away.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:20 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The American Association for Nude Recreation -- go ahead and laugh, but it's real -- is concerned that the average age of nudists is increasing. That means it's time to start recruiting, according to this story:

"To draw 20- and 30-somethings, nudist groups and camps are trying everything from deep discounts on membership fees to a young ambassador program that encourages college and graduate students to talk to their peers about having fun in the buff."

That last part is terrific. A young ambassador program. I wonder how you open up that topic with your "peers."

Hey everybody, you know what would make this beer-pong tournament better? If we all competed in the nude!

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FYI for any The Price is Right fans out there, there will be a couple of prime-time TV specials this week honoring Bob Barker. If you watch, you might win "A NEW CAR!!!" (cut to someone jumping around ridiculously, trying to hug Bob, etc.)

After 35 years hosting the show, Barker is retiring so that he can help control the pet population by having more dogs and cats spayed and neutered. Well, that and because he's now 114 years old.

I've always liked the show, but I probably haven't seen it more than three or four times in the last 10 years. Honestly, I didn't even know that it was still on -- or that Barker was still the host -- until I heard about him retiring.

If you've ever watched the show and are trying to remember a particular game you saw, there's a list and description of them here. Cliff Hangers was always one of my favorites because of the song that was played during the game.

It reminds me of when I was sick and stayed home from school. Sometimes, my sickness was because of a test scheduled for that day.

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Heard a song this morning that should help everyone get their week jumpin'. Also, by sharing this song with you, I am hoping that it will leave my brain and entertain/distract you for a while.

Goin' back to 1992, this one's for you:

Jump Jump
The Mac Dad will make you Jump Jump
The Daddy Mac will make you Jump Jump
Kris Kross will make you Jump Jump

I never knew which was the Mac Daddy and which was the Daddy Mac.

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Many companies are now putting their employee handbooks, schedules, timecards and company documents on intranets. Some of the corporare intranets even allow employees to make suggestions for company policy.

That's right, a virtual comment box! Great idea, right?

Here's one way it might turn out.

Thanks again to everyone who signed up for the free Humor Me newsletter last week. If you would like to sign up, there's a link at the top of this page and at the bottom of each of the columns. Humor Me is in the Entertainment category.

Have a great week.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

The kids will soon be getting out of school for the summer and playing outside, where there are fleas, ticks and other bugs. So health authorities from Australia would like to pass along this reminder:

Don't use flea-and-tick products on your children.

And don't walk them on leashes, either.

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I found these "five steps to being more productive" posted on Yahoo!

Like a lot of advice you find on the Web, it's not very deep and it's in the form of a list. People giving advice like to do it in the form of lists, because it gives the appearance that their advice is very specific and detailed.

But check out the five steps to being more productive:

1. Do the most important thing first
Earth-shattering

2. Keep your inbox empty.
But what if the stuff in your inbox isn't the most important thing?

3. Become a realist about time.
Yes! Now I can rationalize about not being productive!

4. Focus on what you're doing so you can do it faster and better.
See No. 1.

5. Delegate.
My favorite. OK, maybe some people fear delegating their work, but most people don't have anyone to delegate it to.

"Once you know what's most important to you in all aspects of your life," the author writes, "you'll know what to delegate. And the answer will be almost everything."

Wouldn't want to work for her. She sounds like Michael Scott on "The Office."

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Considering like a billion people (rounded up to the nearest billion) watch "American Idol" each week, it's no surprise that the show will have a spinoff.

It's called "Paula" and will feature Paula Abdul leaving the other judges to return to her hometown and host a radio talk show and live with her father. Wait, that was "Frasier."

The real truth:

The producers of "American Idol" will be putting a show on Fox called "The Search for the Next American Band." It will be like "Idol," with an audition phase in which no-talent musicians entertain everyone with comically bad performances.

"Weekly competition will test the bands by making them play in various styles and themes."

Now that could be fun. Can't wait to see a heavy metal band playing on 'N Sync Tribute Week. (Do you think Justin Timberlake would cringe if he saw this photo?)

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Found on a restaurant sign in Seattle:

All Day Breakfast: 7 a.m. to 1:30 p.m.

That's a very short day. But it reminds me of the comedian -- it might have been Steven Wright -- who told this joke:

I went into a place that had a sign that said "Open 24 hours" and was closing. When I pointed to the "Open 24 hours" sign, the owner said, "Yeah, but not in a row."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I'm not sure if it's comical or frightening, but somebody found this sign in a gym locker room:

"Hair dryers for hair on head only."

That there was even a need for this sign is reason to steer clear of that gym.

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Son, for your 16th birthday party, I want to be Mr. Super Cool Dad so I've hired some strippers. And I'll provide alcohol for you and all your underage friends.

But don't tell anyone, because I think I could get in trouble. And police might come to the house to investigate and find the illegal explosives I also own.

Hmm ... I wonder how word leaked out.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 1:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Today's rant about annoying commercials:

If anyone could find out the exact times and channels for when the nauseating "He went to Jared!" commercials will be airing, please let me know.

Truly horrible.

I'm waiting for the commercial where everybody says, "He went to Jared!" and then the girlfriend/wife says, "This is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen mined by a brutalized work crew that was exploited by millionaires ... I LOVE YOU!"

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

This has been a wild month for weather in North Texas, as shown by the deluge of weather coverage on the news. Some people think it's too much ... that the meteorologists are just stirring up panic.

In some cases, that's probably true. Although moreso during the winter, when we get warnings of "arctic blasts" every other week.

But if you want less weather coverage, there is something to think about. Less coverage could eliminate one of the greatest comic traditions of television:

The unnecessary shot of a reporter out in a storm.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Cow tipping was once a popular college prank. Maybe it still is, I don't know.

But any kind of interaction with a giraffe? Not a good idea.

As you might have guessed, alcohol was involved.

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Here's a toast to the happy couple. John and Mary, we know how much you love each other, and may your life together be wonderful, may all your dreams come true, and ...

OK, they left the room. Everybody run!

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The TXU marketing blitz is still going strong in North Texas, with billboards appearing everywhere and a steady stream of commercials. It's the "new" TXU, as opposed to the "old" TXU that made $2.5 billion in profit last year by being the friendly neighbor we could all depend on for wallet-draining pricing.

Anyway, the "new" TXU is lowering prices. But my favorite part of the commercials is when they tell people that "other exciting changes" are on the way.

When you're an electricity provider, I'm not looking for exciting. I'm looking for lower prices. Other than that, what changes could be exciting from an electricity provider?

Will they offer a plan that features random blackouts so we can add some mystery to our lives? Will they offer a plan that sends out electricity intermittently so we can have a strobe effect in our homes?

I can't wait to see these exciting changes.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

C-SPAN would be so much more interesting if it ran footage of Taiwan's legislature. During discussion of an electoral reform bill on Tuesday, "rival lawmakers exchanged punches, climbed on each other's shoulders and jostled violently for position."

Apparently, a filibuster attempt turned into Fists of Fury.

The winner of the fight?

It was a draw. I believe round two is planned for the undercard of the Floyd Mayweather-Oscar De La Hoya rematch.

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The message in this billboard?

Well, you can decide for yourself. But drug addicts might soon flock to BMW dealerships.

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If you get the Sunday paper and somehow your coupons aren't in there, please call customer service as soon as possible.

And please, please, please ...

Remain calm.

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What is the scariest job in the world?

Well, one of them might be major league ballboy. That is, if you're afraid of the ball. I wonder if he screamed, "It's coming right at us!" before diving into the stands.

As for the glove ... I guess it's just for show.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Lisa King Fithian and another convicted shoplifter agreed to become walking billboards in front of a Wal-Mart in Alabama to avoid a 60-day jail term. Truly the most inspiring Wal-Mart greeters ever.

Outside the store, Fithian said people who saw her wearing the sandwich board commented that the punishment was "cruel."

Was it also unwarranted?

If so, it fits the description Paris Hilton used for her 45-day jail sentence. Could Hilton perform a smiliar community-service project to avoid her 45-day jail sentence?

Right now, somebody should be printing up a sandwich board that reads, "Duh."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

First there was Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.

Then there was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest.

Pirates of the the Caribbean: At World's End opens later this month.

And here's info about Pirates of the Caribbean: Bunch of Idiots Who Took Four Months to Build Their Own Pirate Fort for Spring Break Including Skull-and-crossbones Flags, Pirate Swords and, Of Course, Booze.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"Cruel and unwarranted."

That's the way Paris Hilton describes her 45-day jail sentence. Ironically, it's also the way many people described her first album.

My favorite part of Paris' latest drama is how she fired her publicist. She blames him for telling her she could drive after her license was suspended during a previous chapter in her dramatic life story of nothingness.

If you don't know your own probation conditions, that's your fault.

But look on the positive side, Paris. If you do go to jail, it will be a very simple life. You already have experience with that.

Maybe Nicole Richie will send you a cake with a hacksaw in it.

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After taking the phrase "that's what friends are for" in an unusual direction, a woman who agreed to babysit her friend's children ended up in jail.

Apparently, the babysitter had a few drinks. And then a few more. And then enough to where she couldn't stand up anymore.

Even worse, the Whistle Stop Grill wouldn't show Elmo's World on its TVs.

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This just in from Oncor, your source for Mother's Day gifts your mom will never forget:

"This Mother's Day, consider giving something lasting: the gift of safety, using Oncor's do-it-yourself electrical safety audit. ... A serious look at home hazards is a thoughtful idea for a mother of any age, and especially one who lives alone or is in her senior years and not capable of taking these safety precautions on her own."

Happy Mother's Day ...

Your ground fault circuit interruptors are not installed properly and electrical shock may occur. I love you!

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's graduation time, seniors!

Pretty soon, anyway. As long as you don't do anything stupid in the last month and get your degree put on hold.

But as you're asking friends where they're going to party after the ceremony, you might think about another "where" question. As in, where do I want to be in 10 years?

After all, you are the future. That's the subject of this week's column.

Thanks again to everyone who signed up for the free Humor Me newsletter last week. If you would like to sign up, there's a link at the top of this page and at the bottom of each of the columns. Humor Me is in the Entertainment category.

Have a great week.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

My wife sometimes tells me that she doesn't want our sons to play football. I can understand the way she feels because it's a rough sport, and she doesn't want her little boys to get hurt.

But she shouldn't worry about that, given what our 4-year-old, Ryan, has decided on for a career.

After earlier deciding that he wanted to be a soccer player, and then an artist, and then a "lawnmower guy," he said this week that he wants to be a race-car driver.

Here's my wife's new nightmare.

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Despite the popularity of the rock group Quiet Riot during my grade-school years, we were never allowed to bang our heads in music class. A very progressive teacher in Missouri, however, has actually asked one of his students to do so.

Um ... he will not be returning next year.

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JUST LISTED!!! THIS ONE WON'T LAST!!!

Absolutely gorgeous 52-room mansion owned by rapper 50 Cent. More than 48,000-square feet, fantastic views, bathrooms all over the place. Upgrades throughout, including helicopter pad. Tastefully decorated, including distinctive feature of ...

Stripper poles.

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The phone companies have made lots of friends over the years with mystery fees and other nickel-and-diming on bills.

But in this case, Verizon is being very up front about the $2 fee on some of its customers' bills:

It's for NOT making long-distance phone calls.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A group of friends canoeing in Twin Falls, Idaho, saw a woman jump off a bridge into the river. They paddled over to the woman, but couldn't save her in time. Then they paddled the body over to the shore, traumatized by the experience.

Thankfully, a police officer was there to offer help and console them in the best way he knew how:

He gave them citations for not having life jackets in their canoes.

Thanks, officer!

Posted by Matt Wixon at 2:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The British Library is planning to store millions of e-mails in a project aimed at preserving present day communications for future generations. The idea is to capture blunders, complaints, humor, romance and other topics.

If the British Library takes a true sample of the e-mails that fill our inboxes, future generations will ask these questions:

Who is Prince Nakbar, and why did he want to send people $10 million?
Could people really work at home and make thousands of dollars a day?
Was erectile dysfunction the No. 1 threat to the world?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Whenever there is a list of worst concepts for a television series, you can bet "Cop Rock" is going to be on the list.

Here's an example why:

I'm sure the officers are going to be really careful out there.

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You might file this under "People who have too much time on their hands," but it's actually kind of funny.

A person watching an episode of "Leave it to Beaver" decided to take a freeze frame of a letter that was sent to Ward Cleaver from Beaver's principal, Mrs. Rayburn. This Web site has the text of it, which includes:

"Another paragraph of stuff. Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their party. The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. My typing is lousy, but the typewriter isn’t so hot either. After all, why should I take the blame for these mechanical imperfections, with which all of us must contend. Lew Burdette just hit a home run and Milwaukee leads seven to one in the series. This is the last line of the filler material of the note. No, my mistake, that was only the next to last. This is last."

It reminds me of my high school essays.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

We always hear that the world is getting fatter. But apparently the world is also getting faster.

"The pace at which city dwellers walk has increased by 10 percent in the last decade, according to a new study. The findings, from 32 countries, reflect the fact that increasing numbers of people are living in the fast lane."

Or that they're training for the speed-walking competition at the Olympics. Maybe in another 10 years, city walkers will be breaking into a jog.

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Britney Spears is back!

Yes, it's true. She performed Tuesday at the House of Blues in San Diego, taking the stage "wearing nothing more than knee-high go-go boots with a short white skirt and a sparkly pink bra top that showed off her belly button ring."

The story also says Spears "appeared to be back in top form," but the performance ended in less than 15 minutes because one of her kids crawled out of his crib onstage.

Just kidding. But the show did last only 15 minutes, so some people weren't impressed.

"It looked like she lip-synched her way through the whole thing," one fan said.

I'll take that as confirmation that she's back to her old form.

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In the Dallas area, the issue of illegal immigrants is pretty divisive. Almost anything that is said becomes controversial.

But it's nothing compared to what's going on in Utah. Check out this lead sentence:

"Utah County Republicans ended their convention on Saturday by debating Satan's influence on illegal immigrants."

And that's not the strangest part.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Picnic basket ... check.

Bicycles ... check

Hats, sunglasses, sunblock ... check

Anything else?

Well, if you're heading to a park in Walkersville, Md., yes. It's now BYOTP.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:44 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If your neighbors sometimes get upset when your band rehearses late at night, I suggest you find a new neighborhood. Here's an idea ... become neighbors with the guy from this story:

A 23-year-old Winona man who was stabbed nine times early Saturday morning told police he couldn’t identify his assailants because he slept through the whole thing.

Amazing.

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Back in the late '80s and early '90s, vanity license plates seemed to be everywhere. But they seem a lot more rare these days, which is why I was stunned to see three of them in the last 24 hours.

A BMW with this plate: "BMMMW"
I guess that means mmm, mmm good. Or that the driver stutters.

A Corvette with "YOU WSH"
You wish you had this car, buddy. Or maybe it's a command: "You wash!"

A convertible (unknown make) with "DELISH"
Delicious.

I've never had a car that I would want to call attention to, but I just wonder how much these people worry about their cars when they park them in a parking lot.

There are a lot of bitter people in this world looking for an outlet for their anger. And then they see a Corvette telling them "You wish."

That's a dangerous mix.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

The headline says it all ...

Teacher reassigned following complaint:

Local educator asked student to pose in mermaid costume

Important note: The school was not planning a stage version of "The Little Mermaid."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hoping to be the ultimate source for important legislative developments throughout the country, this blog has brought you news about Minnesota's new official state amusement-park ride -- the tilt-a-whirl -- and Oklahoma's new official state vegetable -- the watermelon. (Watermelon is a vegetable I guess).

Now there's news from the state of Washington. The Pacific chorus frog is the state's official amphibian. Gov. Chris Gregoire, wearing a toy frog on her forefinger, signed the bill Monday.

A group of third graders brought the legislation forward as a class project.

"You got a bill passed, and that's a really, really big deal," the governor told them. "You made a law today."

A law? Uh ... not exactly.

I'm happy for the third graders, but will this make them take government seriously?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:27 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)