Humor Me

When my 10-year high school reunion came around, I decided to skip it. I couldn’t take time off work, and more important, I was not yet a millionaire.

But now …

Well, I’m still not a millionaire. But after talking to a high school friend, I think that I better not miss my 20-year reunion in a few years.

My friend (I’ll call him Lyle to protect his identity) told me that he didn’t go to the reunion either. But the day after the reunion, Kyle – oops, I mean Lyle – got a call from his parents.

Are you OK, they asked?

Apparently Lyle was on the deceased list at the reunion.

It was either some very bad information or a very elaborate prank, but it gave me an idea. Maybe I could get my name on the deceased list at the next reunion, then show up in a disguise and listen to what people really thought of me.

Unfortunately, this is what I would probably hear:

“Uh … Matt who?”

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Ever want to remove unwanted people from your photos?

The Tourist Remover might be for you. It takes multiple photos and blends them together, making it perfect for getting the other tourists out of your blurry picture of the Statue of Liberty. You can also eliminate your spouse from family photos after a divorce (this is not an endorsement).

Maybe you can also take an old picture of Elvis, blend it with a photo of your living room and sell it to The Enquirer.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When a woman in Georgia announced that she was pregnant with quadruplets, she received lots of gifts and discounts in her time of need. A real feel-good story except that, well, you know where this is going.

The woman wasn't really pregnant.

This is a popular scam, but it's very difficult to pull off unless you move far away before giving birth or have an amazing collection of excuses for why nobody ever sees any of the babies.

The result? An arrest and a snappy graphic that I bet somebody is really proud of.

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AP

According to unreliable sources, Osbourne's seven-week run in the production will include the renaming of "All that Jazz" to "All that (expletive) Jazz."

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Singer Faith Hill is on the cover of this month's Redbook, but not really. The Web site Jossip published the photos before they were retouched by editors for the magazine.

It gives you an idea how much can be changed with photo editing. (Also gives me an idea for having a full head of hair in my next column photo).

You can compare the photos here. Check out the very improbable Barbie arm that got some serious slimming in the cover photo.

My favorite part:

The mag cover says, "The new skinny pills ... yes, they work!"

Well, at least if you know how to be creative with a photo.

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At a birthday party my 4-year-old son attended a few weeks ago, he got a CD filled with the favorite songs of his friend who was turning 5.

It has some interesting selections, including "White Trash Wedding," but there is no bad language on the songs, so I let him listen to it. It's in the alarm clock that wakes him up in the morning, so when Bow Wow Wow's "I Want Candy" comes on, I know he's waking up.

A couple of days ago I went upstairs to see if he was ready for breakfast, and he was lying on his bed listening to the CD. He just wanted to hear the end, he said, of his favorite song:

"Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash.

The Man in Black has found a fan in the boy in Underoos.

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Ever thought about how food would taste better if you ate in total darkness?

I haven't. Or I hadn't until I learned about a restaurant called Opaque, where you eat in the dark to heighten your sense of taste. (And hope that you're actually eating what you ordered.)

That's the subject of today's column.

Thanks again to everyone who signed up for the free Humor Me newsletter last week. If you would like to sign up, there's a link at the top of this page and at the bottom of each of the columns. Humor Me is in the Entertainment category.

Have a great week.

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If you played the Super Mario Bros. game on the original Nintendo, you probably remember the early parts of the game. I almost had the start of the game memorized, I played it so much back in high school.

Here's a funny take on it:

Super Mario Live!

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The top search on Yahoo! right now ...

Lindsay Lohan

That makes sense. But here are the next in line:

2. Bad Breath
3. Arnold Schwarzenegger
4. Grilled Marinated Shrimp
5. Get Smart Movie

I wonder how much Yahoo! edits out of its list. At No. 10 is "Myrtle Beach Vacations."

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As soon as she came out, Bledsoe said, the roommates immediately began arguing and hitting each other. The officer separated them and handcuffed both on separate sides of the room.

I'm sure this was a running joke Wednesday at the police department.

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Addicted to e-mail?

Some of the results of AOL's third annual survey:

*59 percent of people who own a portable device, like a Blackberry or Treo, check e-mail in bed while in their pajamas.

*37 percent check it while they drive.

*12 percent admit to checking e-mail in church.

*53 percent check e-mail while in the bathroom.

Hang on ... I just got an e-mail. But I'm at my desk. Really.

I am, however, wearing pajamas.

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For the first time in a decade, Texas is not in a drought. Weather officials in Texas declared the state drought-free earlier today.

That means no water restrictions for most people. So we can all avoid this.

Stage 5: To cut down on wasted water in the shower, use of "two-in-one" shampoo and conditioner is required for all residents. Hot water will also turn cold after three minutes to promote cleaning efficiency, and residents are encouraged to shower with houseplants at their feet to make use of every precious drop.

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AP

A little trashy, but a clever idea to put Courtney Love, David Hasselhoff and others on T-shirts. Now it's Lindsay Lohan's turn.

Speaking of Lindsay, here's a quote from three months ago:

"It's so weird that I went to rehab. I always said I would die before I went to rehab."

Frightening statement.

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AP

"A few times in my life I've had these experiences that are just kind of too big to process and this looks like it's going to be one of those times," Damon said during the ceremony.

Obviously, he's awed to be in the company of other Walk of Fame stars such as Judge Judy, Wink Martindale, Winnie the Pooh, the Olsen Twins, Michael Bolton and Ryan Seacrest.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Have you ever heard of Girlguiding UK?

It's kind of like the United Kingdom's version of the Girls Scouts of America. But it could be a lot different if its members start pursuing merit badges in the subjects that interest them.

Such as practicing safe sex and assembling flat-pack furniture.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

An unusual disguise allowed a man to successfully rob a bank. He duct-taped branches to himself and, disguised as a walking tree, left the bank with an undisclosed amount of cash.

It's up to you:

True headline or the plot to an episode of Scooby-Doo?

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Another world leader falls.

Falls down, anyway.

Here are the details, including some other moments you'll remember.

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I'm just passing along this "research." Not making any comments.

Except that there will soon be a related study that reveals that women spend a year of their lives saying to men, "Are you listening to me?"

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hey, is Mike Tyson fighting again?

Well, I just read a report that ...

Oh wait a second. Tyson used to bite ears when he fought. My mistake.

This guy bit off someone's nose.

(Scroll down a little and you'll find it.)

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Breakdown of a day at prison in the Phillipines:

22 hours in cell
1 hour recreation time
1 hour rehearsing for a performance of Michael Jackson's "Thriller."

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I'm injured, I'm injured ... get me a stretcher.

But not that one, please.

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Here's news from the weekend that will disappoint some people, especially those who who have seen Bigfoot, believe space aliens have abducted U.S. Presidents on several occasions, and swear that you can lose weight by eating watermelon and walking backwards for 30 minutes per day:

American Media has decided to suspend publication of Weekly World News, both the print publication and the web site.

This means three things:

1. No more fun headlines to pass the time in line at the grocery store.
2. Updates on "Bat Boy" must be found in another media source.
3. Elvis is finally 100 percent dead.

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Remember when Wheel of Fortune made its contestants spend their winnings on prizes such as gaudy furniture, overpriced electronics and ceramic Dalmations?

The contestants of yesterday shopping in those "showcases" is much like kids of today shopping with tickets they win at family amusement centers. It certainly was recently when my son won big at one of the amusement centers.

That's part of what today's Humor Me column is about.

Thanks again to everyone who signed up for the free Humor Me newsletter last week. If you would like to sign up, there's a link at the top of this page and at the bottom of each of the columns. Humor Me is in the Entertainment category.

Have a great week.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Paula Abdul plus disappointment equals ...

Drama, of course.

She probably didn't like how she came off so emotional in the video, but hey, at least she was coherent. (And still has never been drunk.)

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Barry Manilow's most popular days are behind him, and the Barry Manilow official merchandise site seems to prove that he's still living off his past glory:

Calendars from 2005 are now available! Only $10 to remember all the great days from two years ago.

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Man, the Stones totally rocked the moon! (AP)

If not, they could be going fast. Or slow. Hard to tell when there isn’t even a spaceship or spaceport built yet. But at www.virgingalactic.com, you can now make reservations for a flight with one of their "accredited space agents." I bet you can even ask for a seat near the solid rocket booster, you know, so you can really get the full effect.

Sure, it will cost $200,000. But don’t be scared off by that. By the time a ship is actually ready to take you into space, $200,000 might be what you pay annually for groceries.

So when will the flights begin?

Well, Virgin Galactic doesn’t know exactly when it will start sending people into space (and hopefully bringing them back). But my guess is the Rolling Stones will be starting a tour.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

In response to a reader who wondered if I could steer her to the video of the college-age broadcaster whose sports delivery was comically disastrous:

I'm sure you're speaking of "Boom Goes the Dynamite." This sports anchor’s first broadcast has been seen by a lot of people, but even if you have seen it, you’ll still laugh the second time.

It reminds me of how smooth and polished I am when speaking to a crowd.

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If you have a friend or relative living in Kansas who will serve jury duty in the upcoming months ...

You're probably going to hear about it.

Key excerpt:

The jurors could be asked to watch adult videos, review adult toys, or even take field trips to the businesses.

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I found this on the Web, and although I hadn't really given it much thought ...

Yes, Subway restaurants have got the cheese thing wrong. So this little comic illustration has it right.

In terms of fast-food experiences, however, I reserve use of the term "soul crushing" for when the ice-cream shop decides to close early and I can't get some mint chocolate chip goodness.

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AP

Hasbro recalled nearly a million of them back in February because kids were getting their fingers trapped in the opening and getting burned. Now the company is recalling more.

If you have an Easy Bake oven, you can return it to the company for a new one. And if you must use your Easy Bake oven -- for example, maybe you have a really important tea party that just won't survive without one of your two-bite cakes -- then please use caution.

Have a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine nearby to provide ice for any burns.

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As we got out of the car this morning, my 4-year-old son told me this:

"That commercial said you could go to that place if you have good credit, bad credit or no credit."

"Do you know what credit is?" I asked.

"Yeah I do," he said. "It's a card."

I need to find some CDs to play in the car.

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Getty Images

Early this afternoon, an online betting site sent me the odds for Vick's future. The site wanted to get the e-mail out so fast that it spelled Vick's name "Michale" in the headline.

The odds include whether the NFL will suspend him, whether he will face a fine and whether he will do time in prison. My favorite ...

How many witnesses come forward to accuse Vick:
Over 2.5 witnesses: 20/23
Under 2.5 witnesses: 20/23

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"Some scientists for decades have advanced the hypothesis that millions of years ago, human ancestors began walking upright because it used less energy than quadrupedal walking, gaining advantages in things like food foraging."

Now scientists have a study that shows just that.

But the bigger breakthrough might be the first ever photograph of a chimpanzee working out on a treadmill while wearing an oxygen mask.

This chimp has got to be thinking, "What next?"

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I wrote a column a couple of weeks ago about how Disneyland has changed. Many of the classic rides still remain, however, and one of them certainly hasn't lost its popularity.

It even led one person to assault another after a dispute in line.

Details here, but no comment from Mickey. I think he just put his mouse hands to his face, using the universal mascot language to convey "Oh my!"

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If your dog is like mine, it will bark at just about anything in the backyard. People walking by, squirrels in the trees, plastic bags blowing in the air ...

And, of course, 15-foot pythons.

Obvious, yet scary, quote of the day:

"If you're young enough or small enough, he gets coils around you, he could definitely harm you."

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AP

According to the club owner who witnessed the assault:

"Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose."

Wow. Maybe the blow to the noggin will knock Dick back into reality. Further down in the story:

Dick's weirdness has been well documented. Last year, he licked the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher and Patton Oswalt, then groped and bit the hand of Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller at a comedy-festival taping.

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The red panda at the Norfolk, Va., zoo has escaped again. I'm sure most of you didn't even realize that the red panda had escaped the first time. Or that there is such a thing as a red panda.

Good for you. You're more productive with your time than me.

Anyway, the red panda, a female named Yin, has escaped again. Why?

She's testing the limits of her new habitat, one animal expert at the zoo said. Another said, "she's a character."

But I think this excerpt from the story says it best:

"Staff lowered the ground level around the exhibit's perimeter and put electrified wire around her habitat after the first escape. While the wires don't carry much current, the staff thought it would prevent a second escape."

Home sweet home.

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Chevy Dale Karr was born recently in Florida. His parents are NASCAR fans, so it's Chevy like the car, not the actor. And the Dale, well ... NASCAR fans know who that's honoring (or at least one of two guys, Sr. or Jr.).

After reading the story, I think the kid should be happy he's not Chevy El Camino Karr. Here's a sentence that kind of sums up the theme:

"Karr, 23, was watching a movie called Crank, starring a character called “Chevy” when “it kind of got me rolling on that name,” he said.

Great baby-book material. Can put it right next to a photo of "Baby's first trip to the track."

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Some Wal-Mart stores will soon sell a line of religious toys that includes Jesus and Samson action figures. I think these would be really popular, so I was surprised that Wal-Mart wasn't already selling them.

Check out this action photo! Looks like there was some steroid use in ancient times.

Unfortunately, just about every toy in my house eventually gets chewed up by Maggie the wonder dog. She doesn't discriminate based on religion.

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We avoided the sweltering summer weather for a while, but now it might be on its way. A good time to be safe in the sun and learn how to figure your own personal heat index.

Please, no questions about the ambient dry bulb temperature. I wrote this a year ago and I still don't have the answer.

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Stunner ...

ABC is starting to question whether Cavemen can be more than a 30-second commercial spot.

I guess it took ABC a few weeks to to take a good look at the pilot.

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TomTom, which makes navigational systems for cars, is now offering celebrity voices as the navigators. Only a few are available right now, but there will be more in the future if celebrities can make some good money off it.

Today's column discusses some of the possible celebrities.

Thanks again to everyone who signed up for the free Humor Me newsletter last week. If you would like to sign up, there's a link at the top of this page and at the bottom of each of the columns. Humor Me is in the Entertainment category.

Have a great week.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Stay tuned for weather everyone. You won't want to miss this forecast:

"It will be warmer and wetter than usual, but colder and drier than last year, and but for global warming it would be colder than usual too."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

"I, Bob Riley, Governor of Alabama, do hereby encourage citizens of Alabama to pray daily for rain."

I'm praying that you get ours. A year ago, I was watering my foundation. This year, I'm wondering if the whole house will sink into a mud pit.

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Here's a frightening hypothetical:

The entire Internet crashes. All data is lost.

In the hands of The Onion, it makes a funny newscast.

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Welcome to Friday the 13th!

A good time to talk about the most horrifying movies of all time. My pick:

Jaws: The Revenge.

Not really scary, but horrifying to watch. It was 1987, I was 15 years old, and it seemed like a good idea at the time. I'm guessing Michael Caine has sought a medical procedure to remove this movie experience from his brain.

As for other scary movies, I remember how much the first Nightmare on Elm Street scared me. The whole idea of not being able to go to sleep because that's when Freddy could get you made up for some of the other cheese factor in the movie.

Oh yeah ... and Johnny Depp was an unlucky victim.

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When you're looking for a business that you can rely on ...

At least these people seem honest.

Maybe.

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The Sleep Number Bed? The Tempur-Pedic Swedish Mattress? The Craftmatic Adjustable Bed?

Maybe you'll be comfortable on one of those, but will you be safe? For complete peace of mind, you need the Quantum Sleeper Unit.

The Quantum Sleep is a high-level security system designed for maximum protection in various hostile environments. Added bonus:

"Quantum Sleepers can also be fitted to provide protection from destructive forces of nature such as tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes and floods."

I bet Michael Jackson has one of these.

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First, there was restless leg syndrome. Now there's "wandering foot."

At least that's what Clay Aiken used to describe the disturbance on the airline flight last week.

"I'd like to thank everyone for their concern," he told Entertainment Tonight. "I am fine and have taken steps to prevent any foot wandering in the future."

In America, I'm sure there is a pill for it.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Reuters

Anyway, Evan Rachel Wood, the girlfriend of Manson, is interviewed in the August issue of the British edition of Elle. Asked to sum up Manson's appeal in one word, her response was:

"Eyeliner."

Great. I'd give this relationship the same chance to stay afloat as the upcoming Charlie Sheen marriage. But who knows? Wood also says that "Manson is definitely crazy. Hopefully I am, too."

Yep, she calls him "Manson." I guess it's hard to call your boyfriend "Marilyn."

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Back when Donald Trump's show was fired by NBC, he said that he actually quit. He also said that he had a big new venture planned.

He didn't give details. But maybe this is it:

Trump Office Chairs.

Or maybe it's Trump Steaks.

Still can't find any Trump hair products, however.

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AP

Well, at least there's a lot of leg room. Smoking is also optional.

If you look closely at the photo, maybe you can see Curious George in there as his friend, the Man with the Yellow Hat, tries to get help.

So what's the deal with this guy?

"When you're a little kid and you're holding a helium balloon, it has to cross your mind," he said.

Of course it does. So does flying like Superman and spinning a web to swing across the city.

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The world's tallest man, 7-foot-7 Bao Xishun, will get married this weekend to a woman of average height who looks like an 8-year-old standing next to him.

Bao Xishun and Xia Shujuan will get married at the Genghis Khan mausoleum in Inner Mongolia in a ceremony that includes traditional rituals such as ducking under doorways.

Good news for the newlyweds, who worried that they couldn't live together because of a lack of suitable furniture:

A bed-making company agreed to donate a 9ft by 7ft bed as a wedding present. There's also a rumor that the wedding is being funded by about a dozen NBA teams looking for an intimidating center.

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It's sad when a marriage ends in divorce, so it's nice to see a husband and wife try marriage counseling before calling it quits.

But maybe that counseling is just a waste of time if it starts the day after the wedding night.

A couple in London have started counseling after the wedding day included the bride attacking the groom with a stilleto shoe. Here's a great quote from the story, given by the woman's lawyer.

"She and her husband are still together although this incident has not helped," he said.

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Hey guys, how was the Canada Day concert?

Well, this "F" wasn't for family fun.

You just can't count on rock stars.

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This was e-mailed to me. Seems pretty accurate to me:

A dog's diary

6:00am - At last! I Go Pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a cat's diary:

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

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In response to my column about Casper last month, more than 400 people e-mailed or phoned or sent well-wishes. I appreciated it very much, and I hope I at least sent a short response to everyone.

One thing I've been forgetting to mention is a book called The Forever Dog. It was sent to me by the author, Bill Cochran.

It's a very sweet story about a boy whose dog passes away and how his mother helps him deal with the loss. I highly recommend it for anyone who has to explain the death of a pet to a child.

I've read it to my 4-year-old several times.

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I've been called for jury duty several times, but I never get chosen. I've never even been interviewed for a case. I was just part of a huge crowd of potential jurors, waiting for the official dismissal.

For those who do get interviewed as a potential juror, the strategy of making yourself look like a bad choice could get you in trouble. Especially if you're as over-the-top as this guy:

A Cape Cod man who claimed he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar to avoid jury duty earned an angry rebuke from a judge on Monday, who referred the case to prosecutors for possible charges.

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Dreamworks LLC/Paramount