Humor Me

MICHAEL LEVINE

I don't think I'm going to have a costume. However, if I still had enough hair, I would go as Robert Van Winkle -- better known as Vanilla Ice. He turns 39 today, so it would be a perfect tribute.

I could gel my hair into a tidal wave, wear a jacket that says "word to yo mutha" and carry around a boom box blasting "Ice, Ice Baby." Maybe I could even pick up a posse of dancers to help me roll.

Yo VIP, let's kick it! It will be so To the Extreme.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Pamela and Kid ... kinda true love. (AP)

Anyway, no charges will be filed in connection with the Kid Rock-Tommy Lee collision of egos. So each of them can go back to their normal lives, doing nornal things such as getting into a brawl at a Waffle House.

This also clears the way for the next showdown of Pamela Anderson ex-husbands, featuring Rock, Lee and Rick Salomon, whose marriage to Anderson is nearly a month old now and therefore close to half over.

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Here's a robbery that I would've liked to hear about in the planning stages. It probably went something like this:

Thief No. 1: Yeah, so we'll get the supermarket employee when he's taking the cash to the bank.

Thief No. 2: Sounds great. Will we need guns?

Thief No. 1: No, that might not work. Let's jump out of the bushes and throw some bags of ketchup on the window of his car! He'll have to stop.

Thief No. 2: Perfect. Then we'll take off on a motorcycle.

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Here's a funny deleted scene from last week's episode of The Office:

It's Michael Scott preparing his "creative genius" plea with Jim.

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Introducing "iShoes," the motorized shoes that make life a little easier. That's what the iShoes Web site says, anyway.

It also says this:

"Whether you want to increase your productivity at work or just have a little fun, these motorized shoes will let you travel in style!"

I'm not sure about wearing these shoes to work, but check out the iShoes demo video #1. I had to stop watching halfway through because I began to involuntarily break into my funkiest dance moves.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When cows go bad, they really go bad. A pack of 50 cows attacked a man and injured him pretty badly.

Is this "Eat Mor Chikin" thing getting a little too aggressive?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I guess there is no Candy Corn Appreciation Society, because I thought for sure that I would peeve someone for dissing their favorite Halloween candy in the Too Old to Trick or Treat column. But just a few people said they like candy corn and others rated it very low, including one person who told me his dog wouldn't eat it. (I know my dog would, however.)

Here are some of the other responses:

From Ken in Grand Prairie
You never get too old to trick or treat but at some point you switch from a candy bag to a martini glass. Every year my dad would trick or treat with his martini glass and within a half hour he would be the leader of at least a dozen really happy old guys stumbling around the neighborhood.

From John
I'm sure you'll be inundated with emails about eating candy corn, but I'm not going to be intimidated by the volume of candy corn eaters.

I do eat candy corn. I just don't eat as much as my wife.

I would discourage older trick-or-treaters though. The guy with the mustache doesn't get anything at my house. Let him get in his car and buy his own.

From Debbie
I really never liked candy corn either as it is too sweet. But we just visited my sister's and she had mixed it with salty peanuts and my husband loved it. I thought it was certainly a better way to eat it too. I even made some with caramel apple candy corn (can you believe that?) and it was even better in my opinion. But in answer
to your querie isn't it like fruit cake????? Apparently not.....we tried to buy some
for the mix and Albertson's was out (that is why I bought the caramel apple) so
we tried Market Street and they said they had been out for weeks and that
wal-Mart was out too!!! So what does this tell you? I think you have given
candy corn a bad rap and it does not rank in the same class as fruit cake!!!

MW: Maybe those stores didn't order any candy corn this year because nobody ate it last year. (Seriously, isn't there some kind of candy corn fan club that can really get testy with me? It would make a good blog.)

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBacks (0)

Here's a hospital experience that will encourage you to stay healthy.

A 75-year-old woman in Michigan had a massive heart attack, but was revived by paramedics. She has a couple of broken ribs from the successful revival, but that's not that out of the ordinary.

However, as she was recovering in the hospital, she fell out of bed and broke her nose and gashed her forehead. Then, according to the woman's daughter, medical staff caused her mother to have facial burns when they were treating the cuts.

"When they went to cauterize the cuts, they didn't take off the oxygen mask and it blew up in her face," she said.

The Fire Department had to be called to the scene. I wonder who arrived first -- the fire department or the personal-injury lawyers.

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In my Halloween column today, I briefly discussed “fun size” candy bars. Stupid name, of course, because there is nothing fun about a one-bite candy bar. The real fun on Halloween night, at least for a kid, is to find the house that is giving out the full-size bars.

Do you remember the feeling when you got a full-size Snickers or Kit Kat or Whatchamacalit? (Are Whatchamacalit bars still around?)

I remember how fast the news would travel around our neighborhood.

“That house has the big candy bars! The ones you get at the store!”

Another big memory of Halloween were the houses where people would leave a bowl full of candy in front of the door. A sign would say, “we can’t be here tonight, so please just take one so everyone can have some.”

The bowl always seemed to be empty before the sun was down.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When are you too old to trick or treat?

I hear a lot of different opinions. I'll also see quite a few aging trick-or-treaters at my door this week if it's anything like the past few years.

As stated in this week's Halloween Humor Me column, I won't turn anyone away. You might, however, be the subject of a future column.

Thanks again to everyone who signed up for the free Humor Me newsletter last week. If you would like to sign up, there's a link at the top of this page and on the Humor Me column homepage. Humor Me is under Entertainment.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

You can't win if you don't play. We hear that a lot about the lottery.

But maybe you don't want to win.

Roughly one-third of lottery winners find themselves in serious financial trouble or bankrupt within five years of turning in their lucky numbers.

Actually, I still want to win. I'm not going to play the lottery, however. I'm just going to start checking for a fortune behind the walls in my house.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

FEMA didn't look so good during the Katrina disaster, but things are looking better during the California wildfires. That's the feeling you got from watching the news conference that FEMA put together Tuesday.

But it turns out the "reporters" at the news conference, asking easy questions, were actually staff members of FEMA.

Fantastic!

At least none of the staffers asked, "Why is fire so dangerous?"

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I'm not sure if this video is real or a prank, but if it's real, it's really funny. A guy is filling up a gas can and his car -- apparently in neutral -- rolls away into a ditch. At one point he looks behind him and doesn't notice that his car is gone.

Here's the video.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:57 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

When I bought a minivan after my second son was born, I never worried about being considered uncool. That's mainly because I have never looked cool in any car.

But for some people, this might be a concern. So perhaps a futuristic minivan with some attitude is what you need:

Check out the photo from the Tokyo Auto Show.

Kind of looks like a remodeled space shuttle.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

According to a story in London's Daily Telegraph, a troop of rude monkeys in Kenya have been making lewd gestures at women.

"These creatures have clearly shown that they have no respect for women," a local representative told Kenya's national parliament last month.

"Even in our camps," a member of the Kenyan Wildlife Service explained, "when men are out on patrol and the monkeys see women and children, they will become very naughty and make lewd signs at them."

Well, if these monkeys can't be civilized, we'll just have to sue them for sexual harassment. That'll show 'em.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Has anyone else seen the Admobile trucks driving around town?

I've seen them a few times, including this morning. They're about the size of a UPS truck with ad banners that change every few seconds or so. I was stuck behind one in traffic, so I got an eyeful of Winstar Casino's million-dollar winner, some pet spa and one other ad that I can't remember.

Pretty good business idea, but this could also be the greatest example of American consumerism. I know buses and taxis have had ads for years, but at least the advertising is just a tack-on to their primary roles. But the mobile billboard is just that -- a billboard.

I wonder if any of them have advertisements for oil companies.

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The small-time feel of Scranton, Pa., is played up in The Office. But apparently the city doesn't mind, because it's having an "Office Convention" this weekend to honor the show.

Highlights include an Office Olympics, a character lookalike contest and appearances by the cast and crew. But sorry, Scranton, you're still a little too small for the big performers.

According to the story, none of the actors who play the main characters — Steve Carell, Rainn Wilson, John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer — have agreed to be part of it.

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The Douglas Wayne Brown Babysitting Service has ended.

I don't know if that's official, but it's a pretty good bet after the 3-year-old he was supposed to be watching was found riding his bike on a busy street a mile away.

It's amazing the trouble a 3-year-old can get into when you just lie down for a quick snooze.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hot off the wires:

A powerful new supercomputer is on the loose. With more than a million CPUs and a petabyte of RAM, it completely dwarfs its next-largest competitor, IBM's BlueGene/L, which contains a paltry 128,000 processing cores and 32 terabytes of memory.

What does this mean? Well, in addition to being the first time I've ever heard the term "petabyte," it means the robots are another step closer to taking over.

If the supercomputer asks you, "Shall we play a game?" ... please don't answer "global thermonuclear war."

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First the bad news:

"The world has reached the point of maximum oil output and production levels will halve by 2030 -- a situation that will eventually lead to war and disaster, a report claims."

Now the good news:

The 2008 Hummer H2 is more powerful than ever!

Unfortunately, it still can't be powered by male ego.

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Here's a story about someone getting a little too into Halloween. Or actually, I think she's just a little nuts.

In Mesa, Ariz., a woman stabbed her tied-up lover so she could drink his blood. Very weird, and very illegal because the guy she tied up didn't consent to the stabbing or offering of his blood as a cocktail.

Fortunately, the man survived after being stabbed in the leg, arm, shoulder, back, neck and stomach. When he escaped, the woman chased him with a pickax.

She then said that she never really meant to hurt anyone.

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Here is a photo of the grocery list my wife put together this week. She later found that our son, Ryan, had an idea to add.

Pretty easy to find the item that he added. (He just turned 5, so cut him some slack on the spelling). He also has the "K" backward, but I thought it was a pretty good effort.

He's still working on the letter "d" as well. My Father's Day card said, "To bab."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:51 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A&E

It's all in the story, "Library staff mystified by weird wonders."

Pretty creepy. But maybe this is just some elaborate hoax to get more kids to go to the library. Maybe we should ask genius illusionist Criss Angel to investigate.

He might be available if we plug his new show, Phenomenon. It airs live tonight, although it might be delayed if Angel needs extra time to get enough makeup on to look even creepier than Michael Jackson in Thriller.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:37 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Today's educational tip of the day (now that I've been educated about Pringles advertisements from the '80s), comes from the U.S. Department of Agriculture. This is its official definition of beef stew:

"The beef stew shall contain beef, potatoes, peas, carrots, modified food starch, spices, and water. The beef stew may contain tomato paste, tomatoes, flour, caramel color, beef extract, seasonings, and other appropriate ingredients. In addition to the beef, the beef stew shall be composed of: 20.0 to 30.0 percent potatoes, 8.0 to 14.0 percent carrots, and at least 3.0 percent peas (raw weight basis)."

Why does this matter? Well, because a food fight is brewing between Hormel and Campbell's. My favorite part of the story is where the USDA describes what the odor and flavor of stew should be:

"The odor and flavor shall be characteristic of beef stew. There shall be no foreign odors or flavors such as, but not limited to, burnt, scorched, stale, rancid, or moldy."

New Family Size Rancid, Moldy Stew! Delicious!

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBacks (0)

I thought The Smurfs were a thing of the past, with their Smurfy lifestyle and tremendous conversations such as this:

"We're going to go smurfing at the mall. Don't you think that would be smurfy?"

"I'm not feeling so smurftastic, but maybe when my smurfiness returns."

Anyway, it turns out the smurfs may cause osteoarthritis. Not very smurfy of them.

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There is no doubt this will somehow make it into the storyline of an upcoming episode of ER, Grey's Anatomy or House:

"Doctors in central Kenya have successfully removed an empty half-litre (one-pint) beer bottle from a man’s colon."

Yikes. The most obvious part of this story:

How the bottle got there remains a mystery.

You mean the patient isn't talking about it?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Usually you can leave it to the entertainment magazines to prove the shallowness of the world. But hey, Travel and Leisure magazine -- which I've never seen, but I'm sure is the authority on travel and leisure -- is taking its best shot.

The magazine, with some help from the formerly self-important CNN, has announced that Philadelphia is home to the least attractive people in the United States. For unattractiveness, Philadelphia just beat out Washington DC and, oh no, Dallas-Fort Worth for the bottom spot.

This is based on a very scientific survey.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Some reader feedback from the fortune cookie column:

From Larry in Oak Park, Ill.
Enjoyed your column about fortune cookies. The best one I ever saw said, "Ignorance and confidence are all you need and success will be assured."

Yes, that will definitely ensure success.

From Amy in Waxahachie:
My husband and I still play the silly game of “…in bed” to get “value” and a chuckle out of our fortunes. If you’ve never played it, just add “in bed” to the end of whatever fortune you read.

That's always a fun addition. It certainly makes the fortunes more interesting.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Came across this classic '80s commercial for Pringles. As you absorb the cheesy '80s feel and the "fever for the flavor of a Pringle jingle" that was drilled into us for years, you might miss a key moment.

In the lower left hand corner of the screen there is this great explanation:

Made from dried potatoes.

OK, got it. The potato chips are made from potatoes. I guess the world was just as stupid 20 years ago as it is now.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (0)

Looks like all that time studying spelling has gone right down the drain.

I mean "drian."

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With all the matchmaking services, I wonder how often they get sued by heartbroken clients. Rarely? Occasionally? Repeatedly?

Well, I do know of one after reading a New York Post article under the subtle headline: LOVE MATCHES 'MADE IN HELL'

Apparently the woman expecting to get set up with a landcaping magnate, only to end up meeting a guy who mows lawns, wasn't too happy.

There's a great soap-opera-like photo with the story, too.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Classic fortune cookie messages. Hmm ... let's see.

How about:

"Your dearest wish will come true."

or

"The one you love is closer than you think."

I don't eat that much Chinese food, but I've received enough fortunes over the years to get some duplicates. So why not bring some new ones into the rotation? Maybe something a little more modern.

That's the subject of this week's column.

Thanks again to everyone who signed up for the free Humor Me newsletter last week. If you would like to sign up, there's a link at the top of this page and on the Humor Me column homepage. Humor Me is in the Entertainment category.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 8:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's been a few years since I've been able to create any kind of hairstyle. But my male-pattern baldness doesn't mean I can't tap into my inner punk:

"Our handmade mohawks are designed to look perfectly realistic and stay that way
all day and all night, using techniques from special FX film make up to bond
to your head!"

I just need to schedule my new column photo.

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If you're a burglar, I assume that Rule No. 1 is to be inconspicuous. You know, to kind of blend in with your surroundings.

That makes Rule No. 2 pretty obvious:

Wear clothes while prowling.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

AP

Well, along with the Spice Girls' collection of hits, the CD will also have two new songs. I don't know the names of the songs, but because the CD will only be available at Victoria's Secret stores and on the Victoria's Secret Web site, here are some possibilities:

Lacy and Pricey
Skinnies in Minis
Push up the Beat
I Write the Thongs (with Barry Mannilow)

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

According to the Food and Drug Administration, erectile dysfunction can lead to hearing dysfunction. At least for people who are using Viagra and other impotence drugs.

The Food and Drug Administration is adding a warning about the possible risk of hearing loss for impotence drugs such as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra.

This also should be a reminder to the significant others of impotence-drug users:

Remember to speak up when you say, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Hi.

What r u doin?

Drivin.

And texting?

Yeah.

OMG don't do that.

Why?

Crash.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 9:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

And, no, it's not Kobe Bryant. (NBA fans get that).

This is a real black hole. Astronomers have discovered the largest one ever -- with a mass 15.65 times that of the sun.

There’s a lot of technical jargon in the story about the black hole's discovery, but here are the two things you need to know:

1. Black holes are concentrated fields of gravity that are among the most powerful forces in the universe. They are believed to be so powerful that nothing – not even light – can escape them.

2. The story says the black hole is lurking in a nearby galaxy.

“Nearby” isn’t explained further, but I’m sure we’re all going to be OK. Just in case, however, I’m going to put off mowing the lawn until next week.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 3:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If a toothbrush becomes lodged in your nose, you should:

A. Review your brushing technique
B. Still remember to floss, because it's important
C. Beg your friends not to tell anyone
D. All of the above

Whatever your answer, you've got to be impressed by a woman who spent several days with a three-inch portion of toothbrush lodged in her nose.

"I was brushing my teeth, my husband accidentally pushed me and the toothbrush in my hand broke," the woman said. "I was left holding the lower portion of the brush but couldn't locate the rest of it."

Always, always, check your nose.

Posted by Matt Wixon at 12:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

It's funny to hear some of the excuses people come up with when they are accused of something. A junior-high teacher in Japan provides the latest example.

The P.E. teacher decided to write questions of a sexual nature on golf balls and throw them into a pool. He then told the junior-high girls to dive into the pool and retrieve the balls and read the messages.

His reasoning?

"I wanted to get the kids interested in water."

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I feel I'm pretty open to different forms of art, but the life-size chocolate sculpture of Jesus is a little out there. I don't find the "Chocolate Saints Sweet Jesus" show offensive, just stupid and obviously looking to stir up attention.

I love this quote from the director of the gallery hosting the show:

"I see it as basically a show about healing. The sculptures are extremely traditional when you see them in their use of material. When you first see them they look like bronzes."

But hey, they're actually chocolate. This is genius!

Posted by Matt Wixon at 2:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

If you've ever felt unprotected in your home, then "The Backup" gun rack might be perfect for you. It allows you to have your shotgun attached to your bed while you're sleeping.

"It's the smartest money you'll spend in your lifetime," according to the commercial.

Also, many customers are buying one for each side of the bed! That's double trouble for anyone who invades your home.

Soon to be endorsed by Ted Nugent?

Posted by Matt Wixon at 11:53 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Having trouble getting your family to wake up in the morning? Here's an idea:

Allow your house's burglar alarm to blare for about five seconds.

I did that recently, although not on purpose. I forgot to turn off the alarm system before opening the back door to let our dog outside, and the tranquil morning soon sounded like we were under attack.

I turned off the alarm as quickly as possible, and then went upstairs to tend to the victims.

"That scare me," said my 2-year-old, Cooper.

Ryan, my 5-year-old who sees me type in the security code each morning, asked me this:

"Dad, did you accidentally put it on 3-2-1 blast off?"

Posted by Matt Wixon at 10:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

A woman in Scranton, Penn., was cited for disorderly conduct recently when a neighbor heard her shouting obscenities in her house. Her toilet was overflowing, so apparently she was getting pretty loud and creative with the obcenities.

The amazing part:

According to the story, she can face up to 90 days in jail and a fine of up to $300.

I bet she'll be getting along just dandy with her neighbor after this. But she'll have to be careful, because he's a police officer.

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