Humor Me

Humor Me: It'll take a Christmas miracle

By MATT WIXON
The Dallas Morning News
mwixon@dallasnews.com

Please gather around, kids. Our show will begin in a few minutes, and because I want this Christmas play to be the best one ever, we need to go over a few things.

First of all, I am very, very proud of you third-graders. You’ve helped me step in for Ms. Jones, who has been calling in sick since the first day of rehearsal. She plans to be back at work right after the play.

It’s been a long few weeks, but you’ve worked hard to learn your roles, memorize your lines and master “Silent Night” on the song flute. And Billy, I’m so glad that you could be with us tonight despite the injury you suffered while running with the song flute in your mouth. See me after the show and I’ll give you the tooth we found in the manger scene.

Obviously, I am disappointed that the baby Jesus doll disappeared yesterday and has not been found. Seeing some of you giggling now makes it more disappointing, but maybe a Christmas miracle — or the threat of no recess next week — will help the doll turn up by the time Mary and Joseph make it to the stable.

The crowd is filing in, so a few reminders before the curtain is raised:

For those of you playing angels, try not to bump into each other, because the glue might not be dry on your wings. I’m sorry that they were made just a few hours ago, but if someone had told me that I was in charge of directing the show and creating all the costumes, I would’ve quit. I mean I would’ve started making the costumes earlier.

And angels, those tinfoil halos above your heads are not basketball hoops. Maybe some of you thought it was funny to slam-dunk wads of paper through them during the final rehearsal — that’s right, “wise men,” I’m talking to you — but it’s definitely not appropriate when we are presenting the story of the Lord’s birth.

Remember, Santa Claus is watching you. Wait, never mind about that.

Shepherds, you might be holding hockey sticks, but for tonight, they are shepherd crooks. So don’t pretend to take slap shots as you walk down through the audience toward the stage. You want to look authentic, and you don’t want to accidentally hit the sheep and knock some cotton balls off their costumes.

For the students portraying the animals, remember the famous line, “There are no small roles, only small actors.” And also that there are only so many people in the Christmas story, and with a class of 27 kids, some of you had to be the animals in the stable. I know it’s going to be crowded in there, so if someone steps on your tail, please try to stay in character as you pick up your tail and hold it.

Most important, no ad-libbing. Carly, I know that you wanted to be Mary, but we are not going to have a cow wrap the baby Jesus in swaddling clothes. We’re also not going to have anyone rolling into the manger in Heelys shoes. And unlike last year, I hope nobody will turn to the audience and ask, “Where is the little drummer boy?”

For Steven, our narrator, consider this your last warning. When reading about the animals in the stable, please stick to the script. I realize there is a three-letter word that describes one of those animals, but we’re going with “donkey,” got it?

And one final reminder:

This year we have actual hay in the manger, and, unfortunately, our effort to be authentic might cause some allergy problems. If that’s the case, please remember that when you sneeze, you should cover your nose and turn your head away from the baby Jesus. It’s simple courtesy.

All right, I think we’re all set. I really am very proud of everyone, and I hope this play helps you remember that there is more to Christmas than getting presents, enjoying a long break from school and …

Is that the baby Jesus doll?

It’s a Christmas miracle.

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