Humor Me

Humor Me: Let's play 'Name That Baby!"

By MATT WIXON
The Dallas Morning News

In a few weeks, my wife and I will welcome our third son into the world. Yes, we’re very excited. But to be clear, and not get elbowed in the ribs, I’ll point out that we’re not pregnant.

Oh no, just my wife is pregnant. Clearly, she is doing the heavy lifting during this time of great joy and waddling. She’s the one toting the ridiculously huge fanny pack and wondering if wearing blue makes her look like an Ikea store.

My contribution?

Well, I painted some furniture. I also helped break the news to the big brothers, Ryan and Cooper, who then broke the news to me that they have babies inside them. I’ve alerted the tabloids.

But that’s about all I’ve done. In a great departure from my professional career, I am now like one of those top-executive types who is only involved at the start of a project and then returns later — in this case, nine months — to receive congratulations for a job well done.

My only other responsibilities:

1. Coming up with potential baby names that my wife can reject.

2. Rejecting my wife’s potential baby names.

Obviously, my wife and I have a problem. With less than a month to go, our cute little bundle of financial strain is on track to be named Number Three. And unfortunately, that’s only slightly better than some of the names celebrities have concocted for their kids, such as Audio Science, Moxie CrimeFighter and Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily.

Wow, those are some beauties. Naming your child is a very personal decision, certainly, but Bluebell Madonna? That child should file a personal-injury lawsuit against her celebrity parents.

Those are Hollywood names, perfect for a child’s typical role as accessory to the stars. For glitzy parents, names such as Apple, Crumpet and Pilot Inspektor are wonderful reminders that they are not of the world of us peons.

But for my less glitzy baby, I’m thinking of something more traditional. So is my wife, but that doesn’t make it easy.

The easy way would’ve been to come up with one name for all of our kids. Yes, it’s unusual, but some people do it.

I had a friend in high school named John, and he had a brother with the same name. They were “Big John” and “Little John,” and seemingly unscarred. Boxer George Foreman named all five of his sons “George,” and as far as I know, none of them ever attacked him with his Lean Mean Grilling Machine.

Of course, Mr. Foreman did get punched in the head many, many times before naming his kids.

So, as of now, my son is Number Three. He’ll be the younger brother of Ryan and Cooper, a pair of names my wife came up with. I like both names now, but I wasn’t sure at first.

I just didn’t have a better alternative, and the baby-names book wore me out before I got through the A’s. I stopped somewhere around Aakarshan.

Hmm ... Aakarshan Wixon. At the very least, he would never have to say, “I’m sorry, are you confusing me with Aakarshan Jones?”

I’m sure some people would say Ryan and Cooper aren’t great names. They aren’t that creative, after all. They’re also not inspired by a family member, historical figure, baked good or fruit. But Cooper and Ryan do have names that fit anything they want to do in life.

That’s not always the case for kids. I think it would be difficult to be a banker named “Jermajesty, ”a judge named “Daisy Boo” or to care for patients if you have a name people can’t take seriously.

“PAGING DR. BUBBLES WIXON. DR. BUBBLES WIXON. STAT!”

Just doesn’t inspire confidence.

Then again, neither does Number Three. So we’ll have to come up with something. Something traditional, but not too common. Something between John Doe Wixon and Banjo Plasma Wixon.

Hopefully, my wife and I will agree on something. If not, we might have to go to a tiebreaker and ask our sons which name they prefer.

With luck, they won’t be too busy with their babies.

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