The Humor Me blog is moving
This blog is moving to a new home. Actually, it has already moved, but the archives will be up for a while.
You can find the new Humor Me blog at www.mattwixon.com.
You can still e-mail me at mwixon@dallasnews.com.
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This blog is moving to a new home. Actually, it has already moved, but the archives will be up for a while.
You can find the new Humor Me blog at www.mattwixon.com.
You can still e-mail me at mwixon@dallasnews.com.
Over the last year, I've noticed a tremendous uptick in the use of machetes as weapons. Very, very interesting choice of weapon, I think. They're not just for the movies anymore.
But what are the kinds of things that can drive someone to attack someone with a machete? What can drive a person to attack a friend with a machete?
Fortunately, it's a very rare situation. Such as a case of Bud Ice.
A model walking on the runway falls down. I've seen it several times, and I always think it's funny. I think it's just because they walk with so much attitude, and they lose all of that when they stumble.
So I always laugh when I see it. But this is one of the funniest I've seen, mainly because she works so hard to fight the fall the second time she's about to lose it.
This is your pilot speaking. We've reached our cruising altitude, so sit back and relax. I plan to, along with my co-pilot.
By the way, does anyone have an alarm clock?
The next time you go to a restaurant, check your receipt closely. If you've been charged for expletives, you should definitely speak up.
At least for these people, it was free.
I'm probably not as into art as some people, and I admit I don't know that much about it.
Maybe that's why I don't appreciate the artistic genius of stacking 7,200 bananas against a wall.
Seems like a waste to me. Unless they are donated for smoothies at the nude juice bar.
A nude juice bar? Is there really a demand for that?
I guess you just walk in, throw off your trenchcoat and order a smoothie. Great quote from the story:
“Once we’re here for a while I think people will realize that we can run a clean operation."
I should hope so. If you're going to be nude, you want the place to be clean.
Do you know where YBor City is in Florida?
It's where guys are listening to one pastor's message more intently these days. The one about the 30-day sex challenge.
So the future is Blu-ray. It's a pretty dramatic announcement, but probably not as dramatic as the commercial below. Anyone know how Blu-ray looks while wearing a pair of BluBlockers?
My 5-year-old son, Ryan, was talking to me earlier today while I was trying to get my 2-year-old son ready for a car ride, let the dog outside and take care of other things around the house. I tuned out for a while and then heard him say this:
"So I had the robot with the telescope, but the pig didn't have a tail."
He actually said it like it was a question, and then he waited for me to answer. Uh ...
It turns out it had something to do with putting together a puzzle. I said to him, Oh ... I don't know. Explain it to me again."
Fortunately, you can fake that you've been listening after you tune out a conversation with a kid. Not so easy with your wife.
Or so I've heard. I've never done that.
Remember the little boy who was thrown 500 feet into a field by a tornado?
He's now going by the nickname "Tumbleweed."
I'm not sure this is a good idea. His mother was killed when the tornado hit, and now he's been given a nickname that will have to be explained his whole life.
Hey, how did you get the name Tumbleweed?
What fun to explain.
Just so you know, there is a post office out there with a broken door that you should not use.
Hopefully, before causing harm to yourself, you will notice the subtle warning.
A small piece of entertainment news: Kirstie Alley is no longer a spokeswoman for Jenny Craig weight-loss centers. I know, big whoop. The interesting part, I think, is the quote from a representative for Jenny Craig:
Maintenance baton ... what a great description. Kind of sounds like something to knock yourself around with when you get a craving for ice cream.
I wonder if it's available in a meal-replacement shake.
And if you don't follow the rules posted on the pool ...
Nothing sets the romantic mood like candles. I don't really agree with that, but I've seen that idea posted at a store that only sells candles. And maybe some people think it's true, because something is keeping the candles-only shop in business.
Personally, I can't even stay in the shop for long. The scent is so overpowering, I feel like I'm going to cough up a bag of potpourri. But with a limited product line, candle shops do have some innovative products.
Such as the Bacon-Lettuce-and-Tomato scented votive candles.
"You may want to light them in your kitchen, office or bedroom or wherever you seek sensual pleasure and enlightenment."
Ah yes, the sensual pleasure and enlightenment of bacon, lettuce and tomato.
Getty images
Maybe they will bring some of their celebrity endorsers along with them. That leads to this question:
Does a celebrity endorsement mean anything for a candidate? And why do celebrity endorsements for anything -- soft drinks, watches, shoes, cars, etc. -- actually convince people to buy a product?
If you read today's column, Humor Me: Celebs rule elections, too, you won't find the answer. But hey, at least I write about it.
For people who don't think Hillary Clinton is hip, check out the video below. Won't this help her get in touch with younger voters?
OK, maybe not. But for anyone breathlessly awaiting the return of "Up with People," this is golden.
Prepare to be dazzled:
Getty images
AP
Does a person you are married to for 55 hours in an "alcohol-fueled lark" qualify as a spouse?
In other news that most definitely needs to be addressed, Paris Hilton's The Hottie and the Nottie has been chosen as the worst movie ever. Yes, even worse than this.
Great user comment for the movie on IMDB.com:
I saw this film the only way any sane person will -- by coercion. Mad vandals broke into my house in one of those "Clockwork Orange" style home invasions all the kids are doing nowadays. After trashing my place, they forced me into a panel van. Imagine my horror when I found out that instead of systematically torturing me and tossing my body into a shallow grave, they maniacs were forcing me to watch "The Hottie and the Nottie." I tried in vain to turn my head to stop the terrible, soul destroying images swimming in front of my eyes, but my captors forced me to watch the unfolding horror.
Another '80s memory for today. When I think, "What is the movie line most uttered/mocked/made fun of by my circle of friends, it would have to be this:
Get him a body bag ... yeah!
Of course, the dramatic moment in The Karate Kid comes later, but check out the tremendous acting job by the Cobra Kai "Get him a body bag!" guy. He's also got the ultra-feathered hair of the '80s.
Time for another '80s Flashback. Today's memory is brought to you by:
Wet Banana, the '80s version of slip-and-slide that had the added bonus of a plastic banana that sprayed water -- and a name that makes people uncomfortable.
So if you were a kid in the '80s, what was the kind of watch you really wanted? A Swatch, perhaps? Or if you were a little on the geeky side (like me), you wanted a calculator watch. I can just imagine how mesmerized I would've been if I had seen the overdramatic commercial below.
It's right after these other recent flashbacks:
'80s Flashback: Teddy Ruxpin
'80s Flashback: McDLT
'80s Flashback: Boom boxes
'80s Flashback: The Original Party Animal
'80s Flashback: Ghostbusters cereal
'80s Flashback: Guess the show
Humor Me: Ferris Bueller
Humor Me: Total Eclipse of the Heart
Humor Me: Saturday Night Live's Love Toilet
Humor Me: Atari
This is pretty amazing. Amazingly stupid, some might say.
My son is 2 weeks old today, and I'm still not getting a lot of sleep. But I'm still very thankful to have him in my life. Adds more meaning to the world, gives me better perspective on things, all that kind of stuff.
Another reason:
He's a lot cuter than these dolls that are just plain freaky to me.
Maybe because it's Valentine's Day, I've received another crop of anti-Valentine's Day e-mails in response to the Why I hate Valentine's Day column.
Before the last group of desperate shoppers head out searching for flowers, chocolates and whatever greeting cards remain, I figured I would share some of them.
Check them out after the jump.
***
Congratulations on a dose of reality! Thanks for offering a sane version of what our culture has come too...it's sometimes very embarrassing to be an American and live in this culture of consumerism and greed.
When did we start believing the advertising that we are no one without their "new" product? Valentines is simply the new "snake oil salesman of the year"....and worth no more than the snake oil of the 1800's!!!
Make a fun dinner for yourselves together, have a real conversation about real subjects, enjoy creation together....way better choices than any purchase could possibly achieve!
I applaud the article, and thank you for being brave enough to counter the culture!!!
***
I'm proud to say that as a woman, I also give V-Day two big thumbs down.
Aside from the irritating fact that flowers triple in cost once florists get a whiff of this saintly holiday, I'd prefer to believe my husband loves me more than one day a year. Knowing full well this may be my one chance to get a beautiful bouquet of 8 dozen roses (which my cats will promptly eat) arranged in a champagne chilling bucket (that I'll never use), I would rather live knowing we can pay our mortgage bill next month.
But, whether I like it or not, he'll be getting squeezed all day by companies touting their romantic promises and wagging their "you better, or else" fingers at him. So lest he get sucked in by the marketers that "clearly" know me better than I do, I looked my husband square in the eye before he left for work this morning and said, "feel free to grab me a cup of coffee on the way home, but for heaven's sake, don't buy me flowers!"
So does this mean that, after only 8 years, we have lost the romance? No. But perhaps we have just reached that practical point in marriage where a new knife sharpener makes a better present than jewelry, or keeping a roof over our heads says "I love you" better than a $400 teddy bear. Then again, maybe I'm one of the select few that got the right "cupid vaccine" this year.
Whatever the reason, I just want to offer up my female "hoorah!" for your V-Day column.
***
I LOVED your column. I’m probably the only woman that does.. but I completely agree with you!
“Bring home flowers, jewelry or another gift on an ordinary day, and you’ll be romantic. But on Valentine’s Day, that just means you’ve fulfilled a duty. A duty retailers are desperate to bang into our heads because some people refuse to go belly up financially with their Christmas shopping.”
Couldn’t have said it better myself! Happy Unvalentines day!
***
I had to chuckle when I read your article "Hate for the day of love". My husband has felt this way about Valentine's Day for a long time. He's been boycotting it for years and has, on a few occasions, taken it to the extreme.
One year, he cut out a picture of a dozen roses in a beautiful vase and a picture of a heart-shaped box of Godiva chocolates. He added a little note saying the flowers would "last forever" and I wouldn't have to worry about getting fat eating the chocolates.
And a card? Not a problem. I always get the perfect one. We go to a nice greeting card store and I choose the one I like best and hand it to him. He then hands it back to me and has me re-read it and remember it; then we put it back in the rack. ...
But, he's romantic in other ways and has been there when I needed him. ... It took me a while to become accustomed to his "ways" and sometimes I'm a little jealous that I can't brag a little about what my husband bought me. But I know that he loves me and the life we have together. That's all that counts.
Hello, this is WKLC-FM, the home of classic rock, and you're caller number 10!
Yes! What did I win? Springsteen tickets? A guitar signed by Sting?
No, it's Valentine's Day, so you get a free divorce.
Forget the flowers on Valentine's Day. Do the dishes instead, because men can do housework to help get their romantic interest interested in, uh ... romantic interests.
That part of this story isn't exactly groundbreaking. But the story does coin a phrase I've never heard before:
Choreplay.
Here it is ... one of the longest movie trailers I've ever seen. But in this case, it's worth it. I wish someone would put together a farce like Airplane! and come close to how the original jokes-upon-jokes movie pulled it off.
I really can't believe this whole trailer was shown before a film, but back in 1980, there weren't as many trailers to fill up the previews.
The FBI provides another reason to write your own love letter for Valentine's Day, or just hate the day even more. From the DallasNews Tech blog:
The feds send word that hackers are distributing the notorious Storm Worm via digital Valentine's cards:
The e-mail directs the recipient to click on a link to retrieve the electronic greeting card (e-card). Once the user clicks on the link, malware is downloaded to the Internet-connected device and causes it to become infected and part of the Storm Worm botnet. A botnet is a network of compromised machines under the control of a single user. Botnets are typically set up to facilitate criminal activity such as spam e-mail, identity theft, denial of service attacks, and spreading malware to other machines on the Internet.
Love is in the air!
Getty images
"It's hard to believe that 25 years ago Quincy Jones and I embarked on an album named 'Thriller,'" Jackson said in a video message to fans.
It's also hard to believe that was Michael Jackson when you look at the pictures of him then. He was truly human looking, and his album was fantastic, especially when I was 10 years old.
Then comes this part of the story:
Yeah, he's avoiding the spotlight. But haven't fans kind of been avoiding him, too? That's a real challenge for a comeback.
Still looking for that perfect Valentine's Day gift?
Why not write a love letter instead?
Instead of going deep into credit-card debt, you can go deep into her heart by writing a romantic letter. With something elegant like "your pulchritude satiates me with effulgent rapture," she'll know just how important she is to you — or that some dude from Roget's Thesaurus is hitting on her.
It's best to use your own words, but man, that can be intimidating. Even more intimidating than the very polished, severe-looking women who ignore me at perfume counters.
But I've made it easy. Below is a customizable letter that you can send to your bewitching beauty/enchanting goddess/wild thang.
Simply fill in the response that's most appropriate for you, and your main squeeze will ardently yearn for your amorous dally. Or she'll at least forget, momentarily, that you forgot to take out the trash and spent her gift money on a value pack of Rogaine.
Dearest (put her name here if you know it),
I know you're probably surprised to get a letter like this from me, because you don't think I am ______.
A. romantic
B. good at expressing my feelings
C. literate
But on this Valentine's Day, I am thinking of you. And because I don't mention it enough, I just want to say ______.
A. how much I love you
B. how thankful I am to have you in my life
C. how hard it is to get to near you because of the restraining order
Dearest love, you are truly my valentine. Never forget how special you are to me. You will always be ______.
A. my hopes, my dreams, my everything
B. my friend, my lover, my soul mate
C. my maid, my cook, my designated driver
I treasure all of our moments together. I even remember how we met, although I almost didn't ask you out because ______.
A. I was so nervous
B. I thought someone as beautiful as you would turn me down
C. I had been arrested three days earlier for stalking
But I'm so glad that we did start dating. My gorgeous lady, I knew you were the woman for me from the moment _______.
A. I saw you
B. you first smiled at me
C. you agreed to put down the can of Mace
We've shared so many good times. So many exciting, unforgettable moments like our first kiss. It was such a magical feeling when you ________.
A. told me you had been waiting for me to kiss you
B. told me it was the best kiss of your life
C. told me to take another hit of Listerine
Ravishing belle, I cannot get you out of my mind. You are so wonderful, you make me want to be a better person. My only goal is to find a place in your ________.
A. heart
B. world
C. will
You are my resplendent enchantress, my most precious treasure in life. I'm sure you know by now that I will love you until _______.
A. forever and beyond
B. the end of the world
C. kickoff
If you've had a bad customer service experience, check out this person's torement. According to this story, here is her history with the Best Buy customer service department regarding her broken computer:
“On July 11, I contacted the (store’s) helpline and was instructed by ‘Agent David Goodfellow’ that it would be ‘ready within days,’” she wrote to the firm in a letter dated Aug. 24. “I called the service line again on July 19, and was told by a female agent that the computer appeared to be at the ‘Louisville Services Center since July 4.’ On July 25, I called again and spoke to Brenda, who transferred me to Daniel. Daniel confirmed that a ‘part had just been ordered. It should leave Louisville soon.’ …When I heard nothing further, I called yet again on Aug. 7 and spoke with Ashley. When she could not confirm any additional information, I asked to speak to a manager. I was told the manager, ‘Marsha,’ was in a meeting. I asked her to call ASAP. My call was not returned, so I called again on Aug. 9. I explained the whole situation yet again to ‘Cicero,’ who indicated that there seemed to be a problem.”
Yeah. The computer was lost. But I don't think she'll get a $54 million refund.
The latest desperate move to provide writer-free programming begins tonight as Big Brother 9 debuts on CBS. I watched the first season kind of regularly years ago, but one time around was enough for me.
But here's something interesting I found in the story about the competitors. It says of the 16 cast members, nine will be men and eight will be women.
That adds up to a very confusing show. Maybe one of the housemates has an ego big enough for two people.
As some chilly air blows into Dallas, remember that it's all relative.
The temperature in International Falls, Minn., fell to 40 below zero Monday. That was just a few days after the Minnesota town won a federal trademark making it officially the "Icebox of the Nation."
That's got to be a proud moment for International Falls. Do you think the town's tourism committee will put that in the visitor's brochures?
At least it's not the Outhouse of the Nation. I believe that honor has not been awarded yet.
Another Valentine's Day approaches, and here you are, still looking for that special someone.
Maybe special isn't even a requirement anymore. You just need someone ordinary who can show you an extraordinary love -- or at least pose for a photo that you can send to your meddling friends and relatives.
I know it can be difficult. But don't give up hope, because there's still time to find love. In fact, there's still time to find a date for Valentine's Day. Just go to a chat room and identify yourself as a blonde named Candee or a wealthy entrepreneur named Harrison.
Unfortunately, that probably won't turn into a serious, long-term relationship. Compatibility is required for that. For example, although my wife doesn't like sports and I do, and although she likes to watch makeover shows and I don't, we are both human. That helps us make our marriage work.
There are deeper elements of compatibility to explore, of course. That's why dating Web sites use compatibility questionnaires with their clients.
The Humor Me Love Compatibility Questionnaire, however, is free. It starts after the jump.
When you're finished with the survey, find another reader, match answers, and then who knows? Soon you could have that funny tingling feeling in your stomach BEFORE eating Mexican food:
1. When a couple has an argument, it's important to ...
A. understand disagreements are part of a healthy relationship.
B. always keep the lines of communication open.
C. wear a microphone for maximum effect.
2. Which statement most resembles your beliefs?
A. "I believe a strong relationship is based on mutual trust."
B. "I believe a strong relationship requires compromise."
C. "I believe you are sitting in my seat. Move."
3. Public display of affection ...
A. makes me uncomfortable.
B. is perfectly fine with me.
C. should be choreographed and practiced beforehand.
4. I like to travel ...
A. some, but I'm not that crazy about it.
B. anywhere in the world, because I'm adventurous.
C. anywhere within state lines, because I'm on parole.
5. Would you live with someone before getting married?
A. No, because it's despicable and should never happen.
B. Yes, because there is nothing wrong with that.
C. Yes, because I'm currently homeless.
6. I enjoy dinner by candlelight ...
A. because it makes a dinner special.
B. because it creates a romantic mood.
C. because the lack of light allows me to pretend my date is someone else.
7. If "fun and carefree" are on one side and "serious and organized" are on the other, I am ...
A. leaning toward fun and carefree.
B. leaning toward serious and organized.
C. checking my calendar to see when I have time to weigh the question thoroughly.
8. In financial matters, I've been called ...
A. thrifty.
B. a spender.
C. by four different bankruptcy lawyers in the same day.
9. I would like to have children ...
A. as soon as possible.
B. when my partner and I are ready.
C. stay out of my way unless they are bringing me a drink.
10. If roses are red and violets are blue ...
A. my heart overflows with love for you.
B. you da wild thang that makes life true.
C. is this a passive-aggressive reminder that I should've bought flowers?
AP
Dolly Parton postpones tour, blames breasts
But this line is particularly interesting:
"Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don't have back problems."
I believe that's the first time "wagging these puppies around" has been used in reference to that.
Students: You are the most awesome teacher ever!
Maybe this teacher can put that on her resume when she's looking for work. That is, of course, if it's really true that she bought liquor for 15-year-old students.
According to former colleagues, the teacher had purchased alcohol for students on more than one occasion, and had also been seen handing out cigarettes to students during recess.
A different kind of education, I guess.
Response to the Why I hate Valentine's Day column:
Loved your article "Hate for the day of love". My husband and I often have discussions similar to your tone about Valentines Day. We also feel it is a consumer/hallmark holiday.
One year (because of how we feel), we went to a Hallmark store together, shopped for cards, presented them to each other, and then after reading them put them back on the rack. We often laugh about this, but it was really a statement about consumerism and Valentines Day. My husband is one of those guys that DOES bring home flowers or perfume from time to time and I can honestly say that a gift "just because", but most importantly a solid and committed marriage is a lot more romantic then celebrating Valentines Day.
More after the jump
***
I had the misfortune to be born on February 14, nearly 41 years ago. It was lots of fun when I was a kid. Now, not so much. I get either a Valentine's card or birthday card from my husband, but not both. Friends and relations send me the combo card. I know the day of my birth was a crap shoot like everyone else's, but even after all these years it still hurts when people say they hate Valentine's day. Somehow, it makes me feel like they hate my birthday and consequently, me. I know that sounds silly but there you have it. Most women don't want all that stupid stuff you named in you column for Valentine's day and if they do they are silly and shallow and so are the men who are with them. The only thing I want for my birthday is a nice dinner out without the kids. And guess what, that is what I am getting. It just happens that my birthday falls on Valentine's day so we are going out the night after. I don't want to be around all those people who felt they had to go out because it was a "special" day. It is a special day, my birthday.
***
Your column today reminded me of what my late florist pal Bob always called the holiday:
Valiumtime Day
***
Just wanted to reassure you that there is at least one human being who does not fall victim to the Valentine's craze, it is my husband! When we started dating he explained how much he does not the "hallmark holidays" and I let him off the hook. Why force someone to give you a gift on a day they don't even like? He does however surprise me with small tokens of his love on other days. I do usually buy him something small and a card. I use Valentine's as a reminder to show him how much I appreciate him. With the kids, soccer, and all the other things in life that keep us busy, sometimes it's nice to have a reminder.
DMN
Well, I don't really hate it. Celebrating love is a good thing. Showing appreciation is certainly a good thing. But buying them a bunch of junk because we're told that's what makes a Valentine's Day special ...
That's what I hate. If I don't go crazy with my gift giving, says the advertising blitz, then I am an unromantic clod who will send my loved one fleeing for a guy who bought a Lexus or "went to Jared."
That's the subject of "Humor Me: Why I hate Valentine's Day."
A Guy's Opening Line: What Does It Mean?
Well, hopefully it means more than in this article. This was actually on the search page for Yahoo! so apparently somebody thinks it's good.
But I think this goes under the heading, "Duh!"
(At least in the '80s. Like, no duh.)
Time for another flashback to the '80s, a time when I never thought it would be "rad" to have three kids. Now, yeah, I think it's pretty rad. And that I'm getting old.
Anyway, this week's look back at the '80s is brought to you by Jolt Cola, the '80s version of the dozens of energy drinks on the market today. On with the flashback ...
In the early 1980's, an animatronic talking bear was created for the toy manufacturer Worlds of Wonder. Teddy Ruxpin would move his mouth and eyes as he read stories. It was pretty cutting edge at the time (and also pretty annoying, I'm sure, after hearing it a few times). A video of Teddy is after these recent flashbacks:
'80s Flashback: McDLT
'80s Flashback: Boom boxes
'80s Flashback: The Original Party Animal
'80s Flashback: Ghostbusters cereal
'80s Flashback: Guess the show
Humor Me: Ferris Bueller
Humor Me: Total Eclipse of the Heart
Humor Me: Saturday Night Live's Love Toilet
Humor Me: Atari
A few weeks ago, a friend asked me if I remembered the streaker from the WFAA broadcast a couple years ago. Do I remember?
Oh yes. (Warning to anyone before clicking the YouTube link below, there's some cheeky PG nudity.)
I felt bad for the reporter, Bert Lozano. But at the time, it was really hilarious. I even talked to Lozano and wrote a column about it.
I think my favorite part was the little honking horn sound as the guy runs by.
A friend sent me an e-mail about why Texas is the fun place to travel.
It included a list of actual places to travel to in this state. Gives you an idea just how big the state is:
Need to be cheered up?
Happy, Texas 79042
Pep, Texas 79353
Smiley, Texas 78159
Paradise, Texas 76073
Rainbow, Texas 76077
Sweet Home, Texas 77987
Comfort, Texas 78013
Friendship, Texas 76530
More after the jump
***
Love the Sun?
Sun City , Texas 78628
Sunrise , Texas 76661
Sunset, Texas 76270
Sundown, Texas 79372
Sunray , Texas 79086
Sunny Side , Texas 77423
***
Want something to eat?
Bacon , Texas 76301
Noodle , Texas 79536
Oatmeal , Texas 78605
Turkey , Texas 79261
Trout , Texas 75789
Sugar Land , Texas 77479
Salty, Texas 76567
Rice , Texas 75155
And top it off with:
Sweetwater , Texas 79556
***
Why travel to other cities? Texas has them ALL!
Detroit , Texas 75436
Colorado City , Texas 79512
Denver City , Texas 79323
Nevada , Texas 75173
Memphis , Texas 79245
Miami , Texas 79059
Boston , Texas 75570
Santa Fe , Texas 77517
Tennessee Colony , Texas 75861
Reno , Texas 75462
***
Feel like traveling outside the country?
Don't bother buying a plane ticket!
Athens , Texas 75751
Canadian , Texas 79014
China , Texas 77613
Egypt , Texas 77436
Turkey , Texas 79261
London , Texas 76854
New London , Texas 75682
Paris , Texas 75460
***
No need to travel to Washington D.C.
Whitehouse , Texas 75791
***
We even have a city named after our planet!
Earth , Texas 79031
***
And a city named after our State!
Texas City , Texas 77590
***
Exhausted?
Energy , Texas 76452
***
Cold?
Blanket , Texas 76432
Winters, Texas
***
Hot?
Poolville, Texas 76487
Cool, Texas ( Parker County )
***
Like to read about History?
Santa Anna, Texas
Goliad , Texas
Alamo, Texas
Gun Barrel City , Texas
***
Need Office Supplies?
Staples , Texas 78670
***
Men are from Mars, women are from
Venus , Texas 76084
***
You guessed it... it's on the state line...
Texline , Texas 79087
***
For the kids...
Kermit , Texas 79745
Elmo , Texas 75118
Nemo , Texas 76070
Tarzan , Texas 79783
Winnie , Texas 77665
Sylvester , Texas 79560
***
Other city names in Texas , to make you smile..... : :))
Frognot , Texas 75424
Bigfoot , Texas 78005
Hogeye , Texas 75423
Cactus , Texas 79013
Notrees , Texas 79759
Plainview, Texas 79072
Best, Texas 76932
Veribest , Texas 76886
Kickapoo , Texas 75763
Dime Box, Texas
Telephone , Texas 75488
Telegraph , Texas 76883
Whiteface , Texas 79379
Twitty, Texas 79079
Yesterday, I gave my wife a break by taking our two older sons to the Wiggly Play Center in Frisco. It's a play center that allows kids to jump around in inflatable setups, slide down slides and climb up things until they fall down and cry. An excellent money-making concept for The Wiggles, a kids entertainment group famous for being wiggly. And really, really rich.
Anyway, they have these little red cars that kids can ride around in. Sometimes the kids get going pretty fast, creating the kind of collision you might see on "The World's Most Dangerous Drivers" on The Learning Channel.
The one I saw yesterday featured a boy driving fast and colliding with a girl who was running toward him and looking the other way. The car took out her legs, and for a second, she was lying on her back on the car, getting transported along with it.
Somehow, she didn't cry after this. That made me feel better because when I saw it, I couldn't help but laugh. It was so spectacular, it almost looked staged by stunt professionals.
The rest of the trip was uneventful. But unfortunately, I now can't get The Wiggles' "Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, Big Red Car" song out of my head.
Now that I have three sons, this seems like an issue that I should give a toot about:
The potential academic menace of intentional farting.
It's a part of this school newsletter:
Maybe my favorite part of the story is this passage:
According to a group of seventh-grade students milling around downtown following Friday's storm-related early release, the eighth-graders' escapades are well known in the school.
"They would do it in science class and other places," said Jordan Tyler. "It's a natural occurrence and we all do it 16 times a day."
When questioned where he learned that information, Tyler and the other students all said it was true, though they couldn't remember where they heard it.
That last part is classic middle school.
And as far as that detention hall, I can imagine the smell in there.
Until I had children, I never understood how effective sleep deprivation could be as a torture device.
My son Nathan is now five days old, and he doesn't like to sleep at night for stretches of more than about 30 minutes. The only way he'll sleep is if he's being held by mom or dad. I swaddle him up, put him in his bassinet and get about 20 minutes of sleep.
Then the pacifier pops out of his mouth. Then I hear some rustling, which is Nathan doing his Houdini act to get out of his swaddle. Then comes a little bit of grunting and whining, followed by the full-on wailing.
I now remember this from my first two sons, who eventually became excellent sleepers. But these first few weeks are a test of anyone's strength. At 3 a.m., Nathan is wide awake, looking at me as if to say, "Why are you so tired?"
After another week, I will seriously consider paying anyone a thousand bucks if they hold my son and rock him for eight hours straight.
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals called today for China to treat rats with kindness and respect, as millions across the nation begin to celebrate the coming Year of the Rat.
Fortunately, the group is asking this of a government that is known worldwide for expressing empathy to its citizens.
Nathan Wixon
Not much, but a little. Fifteen minutes of fame would be great for Nathan, but not because he was born in a cab or at a rest stop.
Anyway, everything went well. And now, it's time to try to explain the world to Nathan, or at least the little that I know. That's included in "Humor Me: Baby, it's a world of wonders," which starts after the jump.
Humor Me: Baby, it's a world of wonders
By MATT WIXON
The Dallas Morning News
When my first son was born, it was like a magic act. I prepared for the big event, of course, and I knew it was going to happen. But when the moment came, it still felt like some kind of illusion.
Ta-dah! … It’s a baby.
Well, after last week, I’ve been through it three times. But previous experience didn’t change anything. It was still a surreal blend of excitement, joy and awe. And, once again, relief that I didn’t have to use shoelaces to tie off the umbilical cord during an emergency delivery on the Dallas North Tollway.
Fortunately, each of my sons entered the world in a hospital, with the big move directed by someone who knows more about childbirth than what can be learned in The Expectant Father. For that, I’m very thankful. Considering my medical training ended when I dropped AP Biology in high school, I’m guessing little Nathan is more thankful.
Nathan, I hope you like your name. Older brothers Ryan and Cooper suggested “Zuzoofoo,” but that was shelved because they couldn’t spell it the same way twice. Also, I think that’s already been claimed for the child of some goofball celebrity.
Everything went well at the hospital. Now you’re part of a world filled with great beauty, terrible conflict and people who want to be like Paris Hilton. But don’t worry, your mom will help you figure everything out. She’s an expert at nurturing, understanding and educating children. I’m good at reaching high things and giving piggyback rides. We’re a pretty good team.
Anyway, this is probably a good time for some sage fatherly advice. After all, you’re a very captive audience as we share a spot on the couch. If you want to suck on that pacifier while I talk, go for it. If you want to just kind of look around the living room or nod off, that’s no problem.
The problem, unfortunately, is that your dad is still trying to figure out this world, too. I’ve made mistakes, including purchasing two M.C. Hammer CDs in the ’80s. I never solved more than one side of the Rubik’s Cube, either, and the stock market is pretty much a jumble of letters to me. If I was still single, I would probably have cereal for dinner tonight.
But I am your dad. So I’ll try to sound fatherly as I offer a little advice for your new adventure:
Listen to your brothers. They will be sources of conflict, especially when the video game only has two controllers, but they can teach you a lot. For example, 5-year-old Ryan told me the other day that God is even more powerful than Santa and leprechauns. Very wise.
Give people the benefit of the doubt. The world is sometimes a harsh, cruel place, but people generally are not. Smile and you will see smiles. Help people, and others will help you. If you take yourself too seriously, people will not take you seriously.
When getting soda from a fountain, don’t fill the cup all the way to the top. If you do, when you place the lid on and put the straw in, the cup will overflow.
If you never know the meaning of life, that’s no big deal. It’s just as important to know what gives meaning to life. It’s eating a perfectly greasy slice of pizza. It’s seeing a dog wag its tail as it greets you. It’s feeling your child melt into you as he falls asleep on your shoulder.
Nathan, that’s about as deep as your dad gets. But I promise you this:
Nothing in this world will be deeper than my love for you. Nothing more powerful, either. Not even Santa or leprechauns.
So sleep easy, little guy. And, if possible, try to sleep a little more. Preferably when it’s dark outside and for stretches of more than one hour.
But if you want to close your eyes right now, go ahead. We’ll have plenty of time to talk later.
Not a lot of time to blog today, obviously, but I at least can offer a quick '80s Retro Flashback.
In the '80s there was a need for many things, including Rubik's Cube keychains, quarters to play Donkey Kong and pastel suits and skinny ties. And, of course, the need to have "your hamburger hot and your lettuce and tomato cool."
Which you could get from ... (the answer is after these recent flashbacks):
'80s Flashback: Boom boxes
'80s Flashback: The Original Party Animal
'80s Flashback: Ghostbusters cereal
'80s Flashback: Guess the show
Humor Me: Ferris Bueller
Humor Me: Total Eclipse of the Heart
Humor Me: Saturday Night Live's Love Toilet
Humor Me: Atari
Yes, the McDLT! Featuring a commercial with George Costanza before he was George Costanza.